Reader’s Question

Why do I feel bad when I win? Even if it’s an enemy; I often feel sorry for people when I excel. I want to be able to live at my full potential without the guilt of showing others up.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Guilt is often a reaction to a behavior or attitude that is considered inappropriate, unethical, or immoral. The goal of winning often determines our feelings about the victory. If we offer our best effort for our internal satisfaction — then winning is a personal, not social victory. When you mention “enemy”, that suggests an external motivation or goal in the winning process. Goals involving external or interpersonal reasons such as power over someone, putting someone down, revenge, hostility, etc. often create the bad feelings you describe. The term “Pyrrhic Victory” is often given to guilt and shame following a victory — based on the battle of Asculum in 279 BC in which overwhelming forces won a battle against the Romans only to find that no Roman soldier had a wound in his back — nobody ran. The winning army also sustained staggering losses to such a small force. While the large army won…they actually lost.

I think if you look at your motivation to win, you’ll be able to identify why you feel bad. If your purpose is to show others up and humiliate them — you’re not living at your full potential — you’re living to humiliate others…and that produces the guilt.