Reader’s Question

I am 18 yrs old and a female from India. I am always weak and ill. Because of my illness I had to repeat my 10th & 11th standards again. Now I am in my 11th. I feel weird and bad sitting with people 2 yrs junior to me. Even now I don’t feel quite well; I’m always feeling low on energy. I can’t do things fast enough; I need a lot of time to do a thing right and perfect. If it seems to me that I won’t be able to finish something on time then I just don’t start it and when eventually I reach the deadline I breakdown and can’t do anything. I think most of the time I fall ill because of psychiatric reasons. I cannot accept failure. I cannot manage time. I don’t understand how much time I should spend on something. I am a pessimist. I can only find bad and ugly things about me. I don’t think I have anything nice in me. I am ugly, fat, lazy, boring, hypocritical, angry, get irritated easily, and am always crying and moaning about something. And I am so grown up even then I can’t do anything. I feel useless. I think most of my problems started when I started my menses; from there my illness got worse. During my childhood from 2 to 8 yrs old I would not eat anything but very few things; and so was very thin; and when I was grown up I started eating almost anything and I became fat but now when I am 18 I have started to dislike anything that I eat on a daily basis. I can eat all the new and tasty foods but not the usual daily ones. I many times feel like I need someone who will really love and understand me. I don’t have any friends that is to say to whom I may talk on a daily basis. I have just so called people with whom I can have a chat sometimes. I have a problem speaking to people on the phone who are not among my close family members. I don’t understand what is going on with me. I constantly need change and excitement in my life. I want to learn about so many things that I can’t concentrate on, the things which I am supposed to be doing. I am not able to choose a career for myself because I want to be everybody and do and learn about everything. There are so many things that I am interested in learning about that I just cannot choose. Please HELP! I am lost!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are describing a chronic depression which is increasing your physical complaints and symptoms. As you describe, an episode with serious illness during adolescence often places the teenager on a new and different path than their peers. When that happens, we often see an uneven development in many areas — social skills, physical maturity, self-esteem, etc. At your age of 18 years, you are now distressed over a variety of issues that are appropriate for your age (choosing a career, wanting to learn about new things, etc.) and some that are still unresolved from your uneven teen years such as limited friendships, social shyness, and poor self-esteem. I would recommend seeing a counselor to sort out these concerns. With your level of anxiety you might also consult your family physician about treatment for anxiety and/or depression.

I would also note that your email is very articulate, telling me that it might be more important for you to focus on your career and future plans. While your childhood was stressful, a successful adult career often corrects those concerns. Once you have your career and live as an adult, no one will be concerned about your childhood — how you repeated two school levels, your weight, or your lack of close friends. Since I’ve been a psychologist, no one has asked how I lived as a child; did I fail any grades; how were my parents, etc. Right now, you’re focusing on where you’ve been. It’s more important to focus on where you’re going.