Reader’s Question

I’m seeking advice about a relationship that I’m in. My girlfriend and I share an apartment, and both work in small-retail, so we can’t afford to see a psychologist in the area. It’s that in combination with the fact that I don’t feel comfortable asking her to see a psychologist just yet.

We’re both 24, and have known each other for about 6 years. We have been in a relationship for about 4 months, and things are going pretty well. We’re very much in love, but she’s talking about marriage already. That’s fine and all, because I’ve considered it myself, it would just have to be a year’s worth of engagement or so for me to be comfortable.

On to the important stuff! When we started seeing each other, she was still with a friend of mine. We actually slept together several times before she broke the news to him. I know it was dishonorable, and feel terrible about it. I have managed to retain a good relationship with the friend, though. The thing of it is that it wasn’t the first time that she’d cheated on him. In fact, I would later find out that it was the thirty-first time. Thirty-one times over six years. She’s done a lot of things, sexually, that I find to be entirely without self-respect. We’ve talked about it several times, and she assures me that she’s never felt for anyone the way she feels about me, and that she’d never cheat on me. She tells me these things are in her past and that she’ll be faithful. Personally, being a fair judge of sincerity, I believe that she means to be monogamous.

That being said, I’m still quite worried. She still seems to seek attention and praise from people that she shouldn’t rightfully care about.

Now to familiarize you with her history. Her Father left the family once she was born, and left her mother to raise her and three other children. Mom was an alchoholic, but not abusive. She had two step-fathers, which were also alchoholics, one of which physically abused her and her mother. I am told that sexual abuse never occured. She raised her brother and two sisters with fairly minimal help from her mother. She loves her mother today. She loves to cuddle, and is pretty clingy (I am, too, so it works out). She has very few female friends. Most of her friends are male, and she’s slept with 90% of them.

I guess my question is a two-parter:

1. Why has she been so promiscuous?
2. Do you think her promiscuity is a life-long issue?
   • If not, how should I go about helping her?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

People are promiscuous for a variety of reasons. Some have unmet emotional needs, some crave attention, some have few emotional/personal boundaries, some have philosophical reasons, etc. Some use their sexuality and sexual behavior to manipulate others, often obtaining money, support, loyality, etc. in this manner.

Is her promiscuity a life-long (adult life) issue? Honestly, it has been so far. The issue may not be multiple partners as much as multiple partners in the same circle of friends. This behavior reflects some rather severe issues regarding reputation, respect for others, personal respect, and interpersonal boundaries. One thing to keep in mind is that people tend to justify their behaviors — and how is she justifying this behavior?

I would also be concerned that she has discussed marriage after a four month relationship. This rapid attachment is somewhat suspicious in light of her history. Few female friends is also a warning sign. I would recommend first being concerned about protecting yourself. This relationship has many “red flags” that tell you it’s high risk. From your description of her background, she is clearly a survivor and may have developed a variety of methods and techniques to survive on her own, only one of which may be her sexuality. You may see additional methods over time, including techniques involving finances. I’d be very cautious.