Reader’s Question

I have a 3 1/2-year-old son that loves to put all his toys and every toy in the house in a large pile and then crash/trash them all over the place. He doesn’t really play with toys on his own very much, he just throws them around, really. Then when we tell him to clean up, he does a very good job cleaning up, but he will not stop what he’s doing until every toy is picked up. He is a very picky eater and he complains a lot about clothes being too tight/too loose/too itchy/too hard. Or his car seat being too tight. He’s very sensitive and when he gets upset he crys/hits/or throws toys. He doesn’t follow directions or listen to my husband and me very much. I was thinking he may have a sensory issue maybe, but I don’t know. Do you think this is normal behavior for his age? How can I get him to listen?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you are describing sounds like a typical/normal 3 1/2-year-old boy who likes noise, crashes, and physical activity. When we think about the sensory issue, at that age children can’t really describe specific issues such as itchy, hard, etc. Rather, they recognize when they are uncomfortable — for any reason — and the parent typically diagnoses the problem as a tight seat belt or ill-fitting clothing. When uncomfortable, children pull, tug, cry, have a temper tantrum, etc.

At this age, children also have selective hearing. He does listen to you — he picks up his toys, probably helps with his seatbelt, etc. He just doesn’t listen all the time or consistently — normal for his age. Another factor that may be related to listening is how we approach him. At 3 1/2 years of age, children can have a large vocabulary — but it’s about 95 percent nouns — words and labels for the objects around him. If we’re not careful, we can hear that vocabulary and feel he can understand a lot of action words — verbs. We then give a very complicated instruction and he ignores it or has that deer-in-the-headlight look about him. Verb-loaded instructions are often above his understanding ability.

At his age, children not only have a limited attention span, but an even more limited “listening span”. Parents often try to educate their children as situations occur. Lengthy discussions and explanations will find him hard of hearing and wanting to go to another room. A child’s ability to listen drops off sharply after only a few sentences unless they are personally interested in the discussion.

I’m not sensing anything unusual about his behavior. I have two grandchildren his age, and their behavior is similar. You’ll get a better opinion when he enters pre-school or any schooling program. At that time, the teacher will be able to determine if his behaviors are moving out of the normal range for his age.