Reader’s Question

I have been married to my third husband for almost 15 years now. I had fallen in love with him when I was just 14. We both married others, more than once, before we got together. He had been married 4 times before (twice to the same woman) and I had been married twice before. For the first four years, the marriage was somewhat good. But slowly, he withdrew from me both emotionally and sexually. After about five years, we only pecked on the lips quickly. He had gained a lot of weight, going from the well-built man of maybe 210 lbs to over 350 lbs. At first, I thought he was seeing someone else. After crying, begging and finally getting mad — he admitted that he couldn’t get an erection. For another two years, I begged him to go see a doctor about his problem. He did finally go to the doctor when he couldn’t sleep at night anymore and felt as though he couldn’t breathe. He was diagnosed with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. He was given pills for all of that. He never mentioned his other problem. I was angry, but relieved also to know that the problem was not me, but his health. Then, after another year or so, I again approached the lack of intimacy. He basically told me he wasn’t interested in doing anything for me, because “it would just frustrate” him. I did tell him I wanted a divorce. I felt sorry for him when he cried and begged me for another chance. He finally went to the doctor and got Viagra, but they did not work. He tried another type, it hasn’t worked. After a few times, in which he never got erect, he has now reverted back to nothing. I now just am tired of trying with him. Of course, this isn’t the only problem — but it is the one that bothers me the most. I want a husband, not a roommate. He started a diet, but it didn’t last. He started exercising and then stopped. I again told him I wanted to leave. I am ashamed to admit that I have begun an affair, and I even told him this. I never expected him to still want me to stay as he had always told me he would “shoot” me “in the face” if I ever went out on him. He has again begged me to give him another chance. He begged again, and now he is exercising again and eating right. I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t even care anymore. I don’t know how to break this cycle. I want to leave, but I’m afraid of something — I guess to be alone as I never have been alone. I don’t know what to do.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

If you have a husband who has threatened to shoot you “in the face” — you’ve got more problems than intimacy! I would guess that intimacy is one of several issues in the relationship at this point. Clearly, both of you are at a loss regarding how to improve your situation. You both share a sense of helplessness and probably a level of depression. If we think about it, both of you have come to a position of “I don’t care anymore” which is often found in depression.

I would recommend that you try working as a team to improve your marriage and your life. While his goal may be weight loss and improved physical health, you may want to improve your confidence regarding independent living. If depression symptoms are strong (see depression information on this website), seek treatment for depression as well. Evaluate your progress in a team meeting every four to six months. In many marriages, the loss of physical intimacy is also accompanied by the loss of romantic contact of any kind, positive “couple time”, and marital communication. Work on improving those aspects as well. If you’ve lost your sense of being a couple in love, then physical intimacy becomes a performance issue rather than an expression of romance and love. That “performance anxiety” will decrease if the romance returns.

If you’ve made a decision not to stay in the marriage, you might consider developing an exit plan. If you’ve never been alone, you may need to develop self-confidence in independent living and other skills. Rather than romance and affection, you both may be staying in the relationship for other reasons. If this is true, you might even develop an agreement to “wind down” the marriage over the next year while both of you prepare for separate lives. Marital counseling would be helpful in sorting out these issues and is recommended.