Reader’s Question

My boyfriend will not accept me as his girlfriend on Facebook. He has got that he is in a relationship but will not say with me! When I challenge him about this he states that he does not want people in his business (marketing) knowing about his personal life, although it clearly states on his “friends” list who his brothers are and who his in-laws are. He owns his own business and has just taken his staff skiing (mainly women), and he booked a chalet for them all to share. When I asked why I wasn’t invited he had a go at me saying I was out of order to even expect an invite as it was only for his business and partners are not invited (although he owns the company). I never get invited to any award events as again he says it is not the done thing to take partners (although he books the table/hotel and buys the tickets for his staff and some clients). My best friend invited me to one of his award ceremonies, so I don’t understand.

What are your thoughts, please: am I being unreasonable or should I be worrying?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are not being unreasonable. Your boyfriend seems to have you on a “restricted relationship” schedule. You are his girlfriend — but not when it comes to his public information, his business, or his weekend life. Rather than being his sweetheart, you are probably viewed as his “regular date”. He is restricting your participation in other aspects of his life and has you on a schedule of when and how he represents you outside the relationship.

This situation arises for different reasons.

1. He may be immature and wants to considering himself “dating” yet maybe available.
2. He may be narcissistic and doesn’t want to reduce the attention he receives from being “the boss” or the award-winner in his various activities. He doesn’t want to share the spotlight with a partner.
3. He may not be involved in the relationship to the same level that you are involved. While you see yourself as his girlfriend, he may see you as his “steady date”.
4. If the relationship is fairly new — less than four months — he may be moving slower than you. If this situation has been present for many months — perhaps more than 9 months — then he has placed you on his schedule and it’s unlikely that you will be included in additional activities in his life.

When faced with this situation, many people place the relationship “on probation”. They set a date — perhaps July 1st — and work hard to improve the relationship and fix these issues. If July 1st arrives and the relationship has not improved or changed, then you should consider moving on. You deserve to be more than a “steady date”.