Reader’s Question

I have a 16-year-old son who started working for an after school program in September. His supervisor is a 28-year-old who is in the process of a divorce. He is in love with her. I guess I became suspicious when he wanted to buy her a birthday present and then a Christmas present but never acted on it. Then in December he asked to go to the mall after work with her and other female coworkers who are in his grade. But when his ride came to get him it was just the 28-year-old (I’ll call her Jill). He said they picked up the others and they were just friends. Then in mid January he happened to leave his AOL instant message page up on the computer and I read all about how they couldn’t wait to see each other at work and they loved kissing and holding and touching each other. I told him to end it or quit his job or I would call the police and I also called her and said the same. She agreed it was wrong. Well sucker me just found out the relationship has continued. I found more emails between the two of them and when I confronted my son he told me he was in love with her and understood it wasn’t right but he didn’t care, she made him happy and they had a lot in common and if he couldn’t be with her his grades would suffer and his attitude would change and he would get in trouble in school because he just wouldn’t care anymore. And he described exactly what my definition of being in love would be. I am torn. My heart is broken that my son would continue to lie to me and deceive me. I want so badly for him to be happy, but not this way. He insists there is no sex involved and that they know the relationship can’t be official until he is 18, which is 15 months from now. They just kiss and hug and talk on the computer and phone. What do I do? Are any laws being broken? Please help me. I am afraid if I make him quit his job and never talk to her again I will lose him and just push him away.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you describe, this is a delicate situation. Obviously, this is an inappropriate teacher-student relationship. Her behavior shows impaired judgment that may be related to the stress of her impending divorce. Are any laws being broken? Probably. She is clearly in violation of multiple school policies and probably her teacher’s license code of ethics. From an ethical standpoint, this is a “boundaries” violation. Legally, there are probably several laws that apply including “contributing to the delinquency” of a minor.

As you also suspect, there is a great deal of emotional investment in this situation. While your son has threatened self-damaging acts ranging from bad grades to misbehavior and attitude change — the teacher is already involved in self-destructive acts and is placing her career and future at risk for this partial relationship.

If we operate under the assumption that the relationship was discovered in the early stages, before it became sexualized, we might want to consider providing options to disengage. As concerned parents, I would ask for a parent-teacher conference with the teacher. In private, I would express my concerns about the inappropriateness of the relationship and how you recognize that both parties are going through difficult times (her divorce). I would then discuss how your son has made threats to ruin his high school career over this relationship, making it necessary that she gracefully end the relationship. I would express your hope that the situation can be effectively resolved “at this level” (referring to the conference) before additional interventions might be necessary that would jeopardize her job and career. Remind her that the situation is difficult and that she had agreed in a previous discussion that it was wrong. Hopefully, an intervention of this nature at this level would prompt her to appropriately end the relationship in a manner that causes the least emotional distress to all parties and recognizes the “romance” as something that surfaced in both, was inappropriate, and was in everyone’s best interests to end.

If she does not respond, you have additional levels of intervention including consulting an attorney who might legally emphasize what you have expressed in your conference. From that point, you may have a conference with the principal and continue in that chain of authority.

Realistically, you also have the option of doing very little in the hopes that she will come to her ethical senses and end the relationship on her own. This may be a “divorce reaction” on her part and may be a brief loss of judgment on her part. As the parent, you are in a better position to determine the risks involved with each option. I do think you have very appropriately thought out and considered the issues involved.