Reader’s Question

Thank you for providing this service!

I was totally minding my own business when a married person began to show me unexpected and un-asked-for attention. Something inside of me — whatever/whomever — needed to learn a lesson (or as Jung believed, my Self needed another step along in the individuation process…) and became quite enamoured.

I paid for the “lesson” in more ways than one, and am over it for the most part. I DID become quite attracted, but maintained respect for his situation and space.

Situations have changed which no longer puts us in as close physical proximity as often. I am much healthier and happier. He knows that I have moved out of the space of “infatuation” that I believe we both experienced (but I know it is impossible to speak for him).

I would like to address my experience with him in the near future and may have an opportunity. Now that time and space is behind us, it is important for me that I speak my truth. I would be coming from a non-combative, non-accusatory position. Do you feel this is appropriate?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Is this appropriate? No. He is obviously an individual who targeted you, “groomed” you (in sexual predator terms), engaged in a damaging relationship with you, and convinced/conned you that his situation and space must be protected. You mention that you are “over it for the most part”…that’s not good. You are retaining Emotional Memory (see article on this website) of the relationship that would be significantly activated if you were to contact him again — despite what intellectualized rationale you might have for the contact. You would lose your sense of being happier and healthier and revert to the person who was convinced that you needed to protect him while in truth he targeted you and created some damage to you.

Contacting him would set you up to be victimized again. While you want to speak the truth, my sense is he doesn’t care about your opinion. I may be wrong, but I sense a manipulator here, if not a Personality Disorder.

You are on your way toward recovery from the experience. The situation is better off as a lesson-learned and a memory than another opportunity for him to damage you. It’s only important that you know the truth. If our home is burglarized, we don’t invite the criminal back to our home to tell him how he hurt our feelings, allowing him another opportunity to victimize us. We get a security system and a big dog! I think you are considering something that is very risky for you.