How Do I Ask My Father to Control His Grief?
Reader’s Question
I am 32 and my father is 64. Recently my mom passed away and my father cries almost daily as soon as he thinks of her or remembers her. I know that this is because they were happily married for more than 38 years, but I would like my father to control himself more, especially in front of my sister and myself as well so that we also don’t start to cry.
How or through what means can I ask my father to control himself, as he cannot come to terms with my mom passing away?
Thanks for all your help,
– Anxious
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Coming to terms with the death of a loved one is a process. It’s called bereavement. The entire family is involved in the bereavement process at this time, but at different levels of intensity. Your father is exhibiting a normal and even healthy response to the loss of his wife. The fact that his tears prompt you and your sister to cry is also a normal response. From a mental health standpoint, this is not a response we want to control or mute. It’s emotionally uncomfortable but part of the healing process.
Rather than ask your father to control himself, you and your sister can participate in the grieving process with him. When he cries, allow yourself to become upset and as part of the crying process, remember your mother in a positive manner. During the first stages of grief, there is typically too much memory focus and discussion on how the person died rather than how they lived. During family meetings, it’s important to shift the focus from her death to how she lived — remembering those times. In a slow process, this gradually makes those family meetings a time of positive rememberance rather than focusing on the loss.
Emotionally, time doesn’t heal anything…rethinking heals. The family is dealing with strong “Emotional Memory” (see article on this website) right now. By addressing those memories and your loss, your father and your family can move through the bereavement process in a healthy manner.
