Reader’s Question

My husband and I have just been told by friends of ours that one of their acquaintances, who we vaguely know from them, is obsessed with my husband. She claims that he is giving her “signs”. She is making things up that have never happened and is reading things into anything and everything that my husband and/or myself have ever said in her presence. She is convinced he is going to leave me for her. Even though he has never had a one-on-one conversation with her. I’m sort of frightened of what she will do. We have a family and a home, and a lot to lose. We have contacted the police and let them know what was happening. Is there anything else we should know or do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The symptoms you describe in the woman are likely part of what we call “erotomania”. Erotomania is a delusion (false belief) that another individual is a romantic partner. In Erotomania, the target of the affection, delusion, and focus may actually have nothing to do with the individual. This is the disorder that makes “celebrity stalkers” as the erotomanic individual typically selects someone of high social or other status. Your husband did not do anything special to have this happen.

A classic feature of erotomania is called “ideas of reference” (IOR). In IOR, the erotomanic individual interprets all behaviors of the target as directly related to their fantasy romance. For example, not calling, waving, acknowledging, or speaking is interpreted as an attempt to keep the fantasy relationship secret. If the target becomes angry about the stalking and rumors, the erotomanic individual views that as an attempt to hide their true romantic feelings. She will view what he wears, drives, where he goes, etc. as directly related to the fantasy romance. If he shops at a certain business, that will be interpreted as a “sign” for her. Shopping at a hardware store is interpreted as he’s gathering domestic supplies for their new home.

Severe erotomania is found in several mental health disorders but most often encountered in Delusional Disorder. The erotomanic behavior begins as you describe — selecting a target, the start of open discussions about the romance with others, attempts to contact the target (your husband) — and often ends with behavior that prompts legal or mental health intervention. As you hear in the news, celebrity stalkers are often arrested due to their physical attempts to contact their target.

Erotomania can also be part of a Bipolar Disorder, Manic Episode. This might be true if the individual developed these symptoms “out of the blue” and had no prior history of psychiatric difficulties. An erotomanic delusion can also be part of Schizophrenia but this is unlikely in this situation, especially if the individual has a history of relatively normal functioning in the community.

Without knowing anything about her history, it’s difficult to offer much more. We can’t judge where she is on the scale that ranges from fantasy infatuation to dangerousness. However, some general guidelines:

• Watch for signs that she has moved from infatuation and fantasy conversation to stalking behavior. Those signs might include hang-up calls, driving by your home, being followed, showing up in public, sending unwanted gifts/cards/email, invitations to be with her, etc. Signs of increased risk in the situation include damage to your property, harassment, threats to harm family members, etc.
• Check and research stalking websites and resources. One of the best is the National Center for Victims of Crime (www.ncvc.org). It has a section on Stalking Resources.
• If she begins contacting you, keep a contact log with dates, times, content, etc. Take photos of anything sent or suspicious such as property damage. Don’t reply.
• If she begins contacts, alert family and neighbors, as erotomanic individuals often befriend those near to the target in hopes of gaining access.
• If you feel threatened, contact legal authorities. Consider a restraining/protection order. Develop contingency plans for the family. Instruct family members to turn on a specific light if they suspect or know that she is in the house — prompting the arriving family members to contact authorities or call to ask a certain code word for danger.
• Vary travel routes and avoid prolonged public exposure (walks, jogging, etc.) if you feel threatened.
• Most importantly, maintain contact with your friends who know her to get an idea of how serious her erotomanic behavior is likely to become. She may tell them of her plans. They may also have information such as the type of automobile she may use if you notice someone driving by your house. Ask your friends if they know of a history of erotomanic behavior or if this is a sudden but dramatic change in her normal behavior.

At this time, she may be in the “infatuation” stage and you’ll need to tolerate rumors, fantasies such as having an affair, etc. If her erotomania is very recent, it may slowly fade away. However, if she moves to behavioral signs such as stalking, you’ll need to increase your protection.

You may also contact regional law enforcement as many police departments have information available regarding protection and your local stalking laws.