Reader’s Question

My 52-year-old sister showed up destitute at my doorstep last November after 13 years. She needed a place to stay with her three cats and two birds. It has been almost half a year and a tremendous strain on me and my designs for a life. I have exhausted all ideas to help with my limited time. She claims the only thing that she needs is a place for her and her pets without pressure and time to recover. It has become so contentious in my small apartment that the more I try to do to help (that doesn’t involve a free place to live without “pressure”) the less she does to get herself functional.

I’m at the point where I don’t believe there is an answer other than send her to the streets with her pets that she claims she cannot live without.

What can/should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your sister isn’t interested in changing the situation, and the more you try to help her move out, the more she will passively resist. In fact, she will intentionally sabotage any attempt to help make her more independent. She is probably unconcerned for how much financial, emotional and social stress you are experiencing. Your sister may have a Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website) or may have chronic psychiatric issues. She now feels it is your obligation to take care of her and her pets.

You have several options — all of them pretty uncomfortable. Rather than throw her to the streets, I would develop an exit/independence plan. Over the next three months, develop some funding for her: anyone who is destitute and socially incompetent is probably also legally disabled. She may be eligible for local disability funding or, in the US, federal SSI funding. If you can obtain a consultation with a physician, psychiatrist or psychologist she may be clinically determined to be disabled and thus eligible for low-income housing in your area. Encourage (if not demand) that she participate in all attempts to obtain independent funding, housing, and community support. Assure her that you will be supportive as long as she actively participates in an attempt to be more independent.

You can contact local social service organizations for information on income eligibility, housing options, and community support. Research what is available in your area. Keep in mind that she will not participate willingly as at this time — she is very comfortable, has her pets, and you take care of her. What a deal! It may also be appropriate to contact local mental health agencies to see if they have outreach programs that might encourage her return to the community.

If you are forced to be more assertive, you can inform her that she needs to reduce her pets to one cat and one bird over the next month. If she is unable to do that, you will take the extra pets to an animal shelter for her. This may sound harsh, but in truth she will exhaust you emotionally and financially if you don’t take some action. She will make no moves to become independent, so the burden of action is on you.

You might also enlist the support of other family members. While I’m sure no one will volunteer for your job, they may be willing to contribute to making the move to another living location for her. If she becomes purposefully nonfunctional and incapacitated (this is actually likely) — as though unable to participate in any activity that might move her toward independence — you might remind her that public facilities for nonfunctional individuals, such as nursing homes and group homes, do not allow pets. Our goal is to increase your sister’s functioning and return her to independence to the point that you and your sister can both have an enjoyable and low-stress life. In your current situation, that stress-free life is pretty one-sided…and you’re paying the bills.