Reader’s Question

Hello Dr. Carver! I’m hoping you can help me out. My husband “Joe” and I have been together for several years. We love each other very much. The problem? We never see each other.

Joe just completed his Masters degree in Counseling. In a few years he’s hoping to start on his PhD, with the eventual goal of becoming a psychologist. Our long-distance relationship began in college, where he warned me that the path he chose would be bumpy. Eventually we got married and settled down. Ever since he obtained his Bachelors degree he’s worked odd hours: overnights, or on-then-off during the day, always within the counseling field. I work in an office environment with standard business hours. Currently, on average I get to see Joe for 1 hour each night. Neither of us can change our hours or jobs right now. We have no kids.

This lifestyle is making both of us miserable. I’m getting the impression Joe is feeling “forced” to make a choice: me, or his love of helping people. I’m trying to be as supportive as possible, but it feels like I’m reverting to the single life. I eat, sleep, shop, and do chores alone. I’m terrified that our relationship will end in divorce simply because we never see each other. I just miss my husband. I guess I have two questions. 1) Are these sort of hours (and issues) “normal” for a psychologist-in-training? 2) If so, do you have any tips for coping with this separation?

Thank you very much,
Loneliest Number

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In response to your questions: #1 Those are very unusual hours for the majority of counseling and therapist positions. I actually can’t imagine a job with such random scheduling. I don’t know of any counselor position that has nighttime hours and you’ll never see a sign on a psychologist office that says “Open ’til Midnight”. His out-of-home schedule is what’s very unusual here — not his work-related requirements. Many professionals work many hours above and beyond their patient or employment schedule, especially if they are attending school. However, most of that work is completed at home. If the odd hours are school hours or even team-study hours, that might help explain this situation.

#2 I suspect “Joe” (no relation) is having problems with priorities. Seeing his wife only one hour each night sounds like dating…not marriage. He’s created a very restrictive marriage here, and I’m not hearing about steps to correct it or improve the situation. As a couple, you should have a team approach and strategy to everything in both lives. He is placing his life and career far ahead of the marriage, your feelings, and other common marital concerns. I think you have reason to be concerned here. While this may be a classic “workaholic” pattern, it’s still a pattern that you need to address early in the relationship.

As I mention in other responses, we receive information from others in two ways — through their talk and through their behavior. While Joe may protest time away from the marriage, is he showing any evidence in his behavior that he’s attempting to fix the problem? If not, then he’s comfortable the way things are, and that’s not good. It means you’ll always be lonely and low priority. Behavior is the best predictor of how a person is…not what they tell us.

I’d place this relationship on secret probation. Work with Joe and try to reschedule things to allow more marital time. If that doesn’t happen over a six month period, or seems to be getting worse, then that’s your deal…it’s not likely to change. It may also tell you that despite your concerns, he is not fully motivated to change his schedule.

Marriages survive graduate school, horrible work schedules, dual-employment, and all sorts of weird social situations. A marriage can’t survive a lack of quality time however. I can’t recommend developing strategies to tolerate this situation as that only prolongs your misery. Rather, work on becoming more independent in your functioning — something that will help you if this situation does or doesn’t work out in the long-term.