Reader’s Question

I believe my Mother has a personality disorder, and over the last year I haven’t been in contact with her or seen her. This has been great, as every time I see her or speak to her I revert to a childlike state. She is controlling and manipulative. She played my sister and I off each other until I was 18 years old (I’m 27 now) when we found out something by accident. She witheld that my Dad wasn’t my biological Dad and told me when I was 17 years old. She lied to me about my date of birth, and I only recently found out there have been many lies. I can’t trust her anymore. I’ve just had a little girl (3 months old), and I don’t want her to be influenced in any way by my Mother (she’s never met her).

I feel this would be for the best, but I still feel immensely guilty and I can’t shake it — it’s always at the back of my mind. I know my Mum will never change. She always confronts us with emotionally charged letters, and she lied to us about having cancer — she told me at 10 years old and continues to say she has it, but it’s impossible as she works 24/7.

She’s very image conscious, has had a lot of plastic surgery, is skinny and has always been obsessed with my weight and my sister’s weight, which led my sister to have bulimia for 15 yrs. I feel like I’ve been mentally abused all my life, and I can’t foresee a future relationship with my Mother. The rest of the family think I’m being immature and that I should forgive and forget. They say what my Mum says: “she’s done it all out of love for you, the best for you, has spent so much money on you”. It always boils down to image and money and status in society — but just the mention of the situation makes me feel sick in the stomach and she’s miles away!

They’re now using my daughter saying that they hope she doesn’t treat me as cruelly as I’m treating my Mum — and saying that she should know her grandmother, etc. I think I need counselling but am unsure which method would be most beneficial — psychodynamic, person centred or cognitive behavioural.

I feel like I’m looking at it all logically, yet my blood family have me up against a wall. My husband is very supportive and believes that cutting her off is the best way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your mother shows many of the behaviors we find in Personality Disorders (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). Based on your experience with her, I think it’s very appropriate to maintain a safe emotional distance from her. The pressure you’re receiving from your extended family is not unusual. A Personality Disorder (PD) has a different relationship with each member of the family in an effort to maximize manipulations. When it comes to manipulation — one size doesn’t fit all. She may have a different approach to each family member — being the sickly in-law to some or the loving grandmother to others. Your relationship with her must be based on your perspective.

Your “gut” reactions to her are related to Emotional Memory. She has emotionally traumatized you in the past, producing the sense that you have been abused. When you remember these events or even your mother in a casual manner, those memories surface quickly to upset you. My article on this outlines several strategies to cope with these Emotional Memories.

When we have a PD in the family, you and your husband must develop a team strategy to deal with her. To limit your guilt, yet still protect your family from her behavior, you may want to consider scheduled yet very controlled and limited contacts with her. Your family may visit her as a team, for example, allowing her to see the grandchild yet limiting the time involved in the visit. There’s a big difference between allowing her knowledge of your family versus allowing her involvement in your family.

In dealing with individuals who don’t understand your need to protect your family from her behaviors, it’s helpful to use a neutral “press release”. Your mother will use your strategy to gain personal attention and sympathy, actually prompting extended family to call you and pressure you. When this happens, a “press release” is used — providing everyone who calls the same neutral statement such as “My husband and I focus on our family and child. That probably bothers my Mum. I guess that happens as sons and daughters move out and start their own families. How are your children doing?”

My article on Personality Disorders offers additional strategies for managing that 9% of the adult population that causes the majority of the problems in families, relationships, and social situations.

Counseling would be very helpful. I’d focus on counselors/therapists who emphasize problem solving. All approaches you mention are valid, although I would focus on creating emotionally positive approaches to deal with your Mum and her past behavior. A focus on protecting your family is going to more successful than an emphasis on “fixing” the relationship when we consider her Personality Disorder.