Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year now. We have known each other since we were in high school. After 17 years of not seeing each other after high school we reunited and fell in love. We do live together, but our sexual relationship has ceased. We don’t really make love and if we do once a month maybe. He doesn’t seem really interested. I have asked him why he is like that, and he claims that it is his stress. He said that he feels too tired and has lost the desire to have sex. I feel like it’s me and maybe I am not satisfying him. Or maybe he is bored with me. He has said that it’s not that but I just don’t know anymore. We are only in our 30′s, me being 33 and him being 34. I guess what I am asking is can stress really make him not want to make love to me anymore? Or is he just saying that so he doesn’t hurt my feelings? I think that having a healthy sexual relationship is very important. What suggestions do you have for me and for my boyfriend?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Several situations can produce your current difficulties. First, stress and depression can lower sexual interest and motivation, as well as our energy level. If he seems to have lost interest in everything — including hobbies, friends, job, etc. — then stress or depression may be the problem.

Second, you might be experiencing what I often call “reunion romance”. It’s not uncommon for people to reunite with old classmates and old teenage sweethearts at reunions or other social situations. We haven’t seen the person for 20, 25, or in your case 17 years. When reunited for whatever reason, the brain floods us with Emotional Memories (see article on this website). We feel younger, more alive, and very attracted to that old classmate. We have a sense that we’ve fallen instantly in love. In truth, we actually don’t know this person at all — we only have a warm memory from adolescence that feels like love and affection. If we ignore reality and quickly develop a relationship with this person, reality gradually creeps into the relationship and we find ourselves involved with someone we don’t really know — just someone we once knew. If this is true, his emotional involvement in the relationship may have cooled and now he doesn’t know what to do about it.

Lastly, a healthy sexual and romantic relationship is very important. I’d ask him to consider couples counseling to improve your relationship. It’s also helpful, especially if the relationship was based on old “emotional memories”, to develop new emotional memories. You will need to “date” again — dinner, movies, long walks, long talks, etc. Those dating experiences form new Emotional Memories that will help the current relationship continue. Hopefully he will be interested in forming a new relationship with you and making new memories.

If you sense that he’s depressed or overwhelmed by stress, encourage him to seek counseling or mental health assessment. Individuals who are depressed often fade out of relationships with others. If he’s fading out, professional intervention would be helpful.