Reader’s Question

My absuive ex-husband is getting married. I don’t understand why I’m upset and panicked. I’m engaged to be married myself and my past from hell is overshawdowing a promising future.

He was my first real boyfriend. We met during our first year of college when we were both 18. The abuse started shortly thereafter (verbal, mental, emotional, choking, pushing and shoving). At his insistence, I was completely open and honest with him about past relationships and he used that information against me in arguments. I got pregnant at age 20. I was terrified of my parents finding out. He threatened to tell my parents to keep me from terminating. I did it anyway but got caught up in trying to make it up to him. I gained 75 in 9 months. The abuse continued.

We broke up and got together over the next 6 years and married at 24. The abuse got worse after marriage. I was a shell of my former self, trying to please someone I couldn’t. He harrassed me about cooking, cleaning, money, family and friends. He constantly threatened to put me out of our house. He even continued to threaten to tell my parents all my “secrets” (abortion, financial difficulties, etc.) After 3 1/2 years, I started to look for a safe place. He found out about it and beat and kicked me for it. I moved out the next day at age 28.

I never lived with him again but found myself in and out of relationships with him for the next 11 years. I had a son by someone else in the between times. We even planned to remarry but I would never set a date. I was terrified of subjecting my son to what I knew he was capable of. It has only been two years since I cut everything off completely, but I often wanted to call (I guess still hoping the man I wanted him to be had magically appeared). I did call twice. The first time he informed me he was seeing someone. I felt panicked. The second time, about 6 months ago, he told me he was getting married. He spoke to me in a very condescending manner. I have had no contact with him since.

Now that the wedding date is approaching, I continue to deal with strange feelings. I don’t want to be married to him but I feel as if he’s run off with something that belongs to me and is happily giving it to someone else. I know this sounds crazy but I really need some insight or help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we hear news (wedding, relocation, death, etc.) about an ex-spouse or ex-sweetheart, our brain automatically pulls our memories of that individual. This is a common memory function as when we attend a wedding or a funeral, we think about our wedding or our significant losses.

In your case, you have highly-charged emotional memories of your relationship with your ex. These are actually called Emotional Memories. Your Emotional Memories of the relationship contain those “strange feelings” — a collection of love, terror, resentment, loyality, etc. As you describe, you likely developed a condition called “Stockholm Syndrome” (see article called “The Mystery of Loving an Abuser”) in the abusive relationship — a condition in which we feel attached to and supportive of our abuser as a survival strategy. In the abusive relationship, he purposefully destroyed your sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence. By recalling and reexperiencing those memories — you are feeling that way again and returning to a sense that you should think about his situation and his behavior. This is a very dangerous time for you.

In the real world — he is likely a Personality Disorder and Abuser. I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders in relationships as well as “Identifying Losers in Relationships”. In truth, while you are experiencing these strange and conflicting feelings due to Emotional Memory — he has remained a Loser. He will not be giving his new bride anything new or wonderful — just the same callous, cold, abusive, and selfish behavior you experienced. She’ll also receive the same promises, deceptions, and lies you received. A Personality Disorder is a creature of habit. If you remember, he’s told you that your behavior caused his abusiveness (a common abuser behavior) so you’re now thinking that he will be wonderful to this new wife (victim). In truth, he will abuse her as well, and the next victim, and the next…

I’d recommend reading the articles I’ve discussed. I’d also recommend seeking counseling or therapy to deal with the surfacing of such strong Emotional Memories. While that abusive relationship is no longer part of your life, it remains part of your memory. You will have to deal with those Emotional Memories from time to time. My article on Emotional Memory offers several strategies for minimizing their impact on your future.