Reader’s Question

I’ll start by saying that I know quite a bit about Borderline Personality Disorder. However, I am indeed struggling in a relationship with someone who has the disorder. We are both very young, he 18 and I 17, and he has been my best friend for a year. We recently tried to be more than friends, and this is where things seemed to get rocky…(this includes the ,”I hate you, don’t leave me” kind of stuff, and frequent “I want to always be with you” to “let’s just be friends”). I understand that this is all to be expected with a borderline, but as a person who is so involved in his life, how should I handle this situation and react to all the impulsiveness and indecisiveness? Is there something I can do to allow him to come to realizations or is his perception of reality already too distorted?

Any kind of advice would be more than helpful. Two of my cousins are psychologists, one clinical and one counseling, and I have talked to both, but I feel that I need to hear it from a professional who doesn’t know me so there can’t be any biased ideas.

Thank you so much for your time, it’s greatly appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Individuals with a Personality Disorder think, feel, and behave in a manner that is totally different from the majority of the population. His behavior already tells you how distorted his view can be…and this is only the beginning. In healthy relationships, the more involved we become with a person we love, the deeper our feelings become and the more attached and committed we feel to our sweetheart. Almost the opposite is true with a Borderline Personality Disorder. The more involved we become, the more bizarre and unhealthy their behavior and attitudes become, to the point that we are emotionally damaged.

Like most healthy individuals, you are seeking guidance about how to help him or manage his maladaptive characteristics. In truth, there is very little you can do to improve his situation. At the same time, it’s very likely that you will be damaged if you continue in the relationship. At this point, you need to focus on protecting yourself rather than helping him understand his personality. It may sound harsh, but he will emotionally damage you and like most personality disorders, feel justified in harming you.

I would recommend that you return this relationship to a friendship level, then use the suggestions I’ve outlined in my introduction to personality disorders in relationships to protect yourself. You need to continue your life and see where it goes. An attachment to this individual, especially as you describe, will result in months or years of turmoil, with you receiving only emotional damage. At the end of the relationship, he will remain totally unchanged.

As a teenager, the most difficult adult-level skill to learn is self-protection. When we’re independent as an adult, it’s extremely important that we be able to identify individuals in our environment who may harm us — physically, financially, emotionally, etc. Personality Disorders are found in 9-15 percent of the adult population and they are directly responsible for the majority of the misery experienced by the rest of us. When we identify them in our lifestyle, on our job, in the family or neighborhood — we need to develop a strategy for protecting ourselves.