Reader’s Question

I prayed every day for 8 years for my partner to reach rock bottom of his addictions and abuse. We broke up before this day came. I have been away from this man for 4 years and finally feel healthy enough to want to date. We do work at the same place and I hear things about him now and then. Soon after we broke up he moved a woman into his house after knowing her for only 2 weeks. He went out of his way to rub her in my face. She dropped off and picked up him for work, and they called me and left numerous messages of how happy she made him. It hurt at first, but I decided to move on no matter what he did. He is a textbook narcissist, abuser and alcoholic. Once I wasn’t around to abuse he started to abuse whoever was near. Now 4 years later I hear he has alienated all of his friends and is moaning to anyone who will listen about how he screwed up his life. He is also telling people at work that he ruined the only good relationship he ever had. I’m assuming he means me since I was the longest. My question is — am I finally seeing a man hitting rock bottom where he will get help, or is he telling people we work with his problems hoping it will get back to me? I am done with him forever, and I don’t really have any faith he will change, but if he needs a friend I could be there for him. Is this a good idea or not?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is an easy answer — NO! A shark who isn’t biting you at the moment is still a shark. He hasn’t changed, he’s simply sending out hints to see if you are still on “back burner”. As I discuss in my articles on Indentifying Losers in Relationships — no contact is the only safe approach. It’s not only a bad idea to be his friend again (he doesn’t have friends…remember), but it will be extremely damaging to you.

In truth, he’s burned out everyone around him, something that would have been predicted. His strategy is now to find another home base to start all over with his narcissistic abuse. He’s actually looking for his next victim and he’s spreading grapevine messages to see if you’ll take the bait. It you take the bait, your progress in life over the last eight years will come to a screeching halt and you’ll return to your previous lifestyle in a very short time.

This is not a change in his personality or a desire on his part to seek help. It’s another ploy and strategy strictly for his benefit. I must recommend continued no contact and go on with your life. From the point of an outside observer, you’ll see him quickly select a new victim and go through the same pattern of “good times” followed by control and abuse, then deterioration. With each deterioration, he’ll develop a strategy to use to identify and find a new victim — then it’s off to the races again. Remain a detached observer. That’s the only way you can stay safe.