Reader’s Question

My daughter-in-law teaches 3 times a week for 2 hours at a time, and she has full-time sleep-in domestic help from Monday to Friday. How much should my son help her with the children and around the house, as she seems to expect more than the average woman does that we have come across? This is harming their marriage and ruining it completely, as she feels he is not doing his bit — he does bath the kids with her every evening and reads the 4-year-old a Bible story in bed (they are 4 and 1 years old).

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s very unlikely that this issue is harming and completely ruining their marriage. When it comes to domestic and parenting expectations, every couple makes their own agreements and arrangements. It’s up to your son and daughter-in-law to solve this issue. They obviously have conflicting expectations about the chores and parenting responsibilities but importantly, I don’t recommend that you get involved in this situation. As the working parents of two children under five years of age, they are being stressed by the multiple responsibilities. They must communicate, change their personal and partner expectations, and work as a team to solve this issue. Any outside opinions, beliefs, observations, and views about how other marriages work will be considered very intrusive if not offensive.

I would encourage them to communicate and negotiate together. If they can’t solve the problem, encourage a marital counselor or third-party professional such as a pastor. I can sense from your question that you are assigning blame to the wife for the situation…and that’s not helpful. Don’t assign blame, take sides, or talk about ruining relationships. Don’t discuss their marital issues with anyone. Families with children often need to reorganize their expectations, responsibilities, and priorities every few years as the children grow and become involved in different things. Your son and daughter-in-law have reached one of those reorganization stages. Allow them to fix it. Just encourage them to talk to each other.