Reader’s Question

I am living with and engaged to a man who is very sweet and kind. He suffered severe sexual abuse as a child and does not have the ability to deal with it, although would like to. Recently he has tried opening up a little more about it; on one occasion he ran from the room and threw up. For years he has managed to bury his feelings, but it seems with the pressure of his new job and our relationship needs (trust and love being difficult for him) he can’t take the flood of emotions that are now happening.

I have been getting the brunt of the negative emotions, the rage and anger and feelings of betrayal. When calm he realizes it is being misplaced, but the “episodes” are becoming more and more frequent and during them he does irrational things that place us in financial and/or physical harm. When he is calm and not feeling overwhelmed he wants to stop this but now any little thing sets him off and it seems there is nothing I can do but stand back and let our life be destroyed. I am so concerned for him as I understand how difficult this is for him but I have no idea how to help or where I draw the line and decide I can’t. I am afraid if I walk away it could make him completely go over the edge. I need advice please on how to handle someone while they are in the middle of a breakdown to the point of it being almost psychotic?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While he is experiencing a normal flood of emotions due to his job and the relationship, he’s also experiencing an unexpected intense flood of emotions from another source — his Emotional Memories. Memories of emotion-charged events (positive and negative) contain not only the details of the event (sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc.) but the feelings that were present at the time. These Emotional Memories are very intense — the major reason people try not to talk about traumatic events in their life!

As your relationship became more trusting, he began to discuss his abusive history, bringing up these emotional memories. As you observed, his feelings and behavior will change dramatically when these emotional memories surface as he actually relives and reexperiences the abusive episodes. The feelings he had then will be experienced in the now. You’ll notice that issues of rage and betrayal surface…as they do at the time of childhood abuse. Those feelings are contained in his memories of childhood abuse.

I’d recommend several things:

• Both of you need to read the article on Emotional Memory.
• Recognize that these memories are dangerous to your relationship as they alter his feeling state without respect for your relationship.
• Recognize that help is available for these emotional memories, but probably not in the context of your relationship — at least at this time.
• Recommend that he seek professional mental health treatment. As I’ve outlined in the article, there are various strategies to deal with Emotional Memories as well as treatments for his stress level.
• Recognize that you can’t tolerate this level of emotional turnoil and sometimes abuse over a long period of time. To protect yourself, place the relationship on a type of probation. Over the weeks or months, encourage him to obtain help, work on solving these issues, and see if he’s willing to help himself. If the situation remains unchanged, then you must draw the line to protect yourself. At this point, he may be so self-involved that he may be unable to protect you or be concerned about how his difficulties impact your life or the relationship. If that continues, you may need to detach for your own protection.