Reader’s Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years. When we met, I knew he was the one. He made me feel safe. He had been married before, and he confessed to me his ex had childhood sexual abuse issues. He also told me that he could never go through that again. There were a lot more problems with that marriage and her infidelity ended it all. At the time I was a young 20 something in love with this great man. Unfortunately I was also the victim of 10 years of incest.

At this point in my life, I was fine…no panic attacks, no depression and no one knew about it. I had told no one. He asked me point blank if anything like that had happened to me when I was a child, and I LIED! I justified it by thinking that I was fine (at the time) and that no one would EVER have to know. I didn’t want to risk losing him or him thinking less of me.

After being married for about a year, along came our first child. This event opened the floodgates for me and I became a wreck. During one weak moment, I confessed to him my terrible secret. He was VERY supportive at the time and I went into therapy.

Just yesterday, we were having an honest conversation about trust and intimacy. He told me that he never trusted me ever since he found out I had lied to him about the abuse while we were dating! He still harbors great resentment, and still has resulting trust issues. I always thought that his trust issues were due to his disastrous first marriage! I wish he would have told me sooner, although I’m not sure I could have done anything to help at that point.

I feel like the rug of reality has been pulled out from under me, and I can’t help but feel like our whole marriage is a lie too.

Any help, guidance, words of wisdom or pointers would be greatly appreciated!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband doesn’t have trust issues related to his first marriage or your reluctance to share your abuse history — he just has trust issues. When we have generalized trust issues — a general distrust of the universe in all directions — we often cite various experiences that support that distrust as he has done with his first wife and now your experience. His issues with trust, however, are his issues — not yours. You’ll notice that he was supportive and understanding when your abuse history surfaced. In short, his trust concerns are a general theme in his life, not related to you, your marriage, or his history. In a way, he was being honest when he shared that he doesn’t have a lot of trust in his life. This is who he is…

Psychologists have a lot of theories about everything. I have one in your situation. What pulled the rug of reality out was actually your individualized reaction to his discussion. You have intense Emotional Memories associated with your years of a abuse — keeping those memories hidden, their surfacing after the birth of your child (very common by the way), finally revealing them, and receiving treatment. Emotional Memories contain both the details of our experiences and the mood and feelings we experienced at that time. Your recent discussion with your husband again opened the floodgates and years of Emotional Memories came rushing out. You are now flooded with the same feelings you experienced many years ago — severe guilt, shame, a sense that your foundation has been lost, your life is ruined, etc.

I suspect that your husband discussed his trust issues about your confessions — then quietly moved on to other aspects of the discussion. You, due to your Emotional Memories, felt like you were hit with a baseball bat! In truth, your marriage hasn’t changed, he’s still a good man and you’re still a good woman, but he will continue to have trust issues. He’s comfortable feeling his trust issues are related to his first wife’s behavior and your situation. Allow him to feel that way. You’ll notice that it didn’t make him a bad man and probably hasn’t changed him over the years.

You’re now dealing with getting those Emotional Memories (EM) under control. I’d read about EM and how they work for good and bad. I’d survey your past several years of marriage. If it’s been fine, then there’s been no change in your rug of reality. I’d recognize that your husband has also hidden his distrusting feelings and attitudes — just like you did early in the relationship — and probably for the same reason, trying to keep such issues out of your relationship.

In your reaction to his comments, Emotional Memories got out and running. Reorganize your thoughts, study about what happened, and continue your marriage and life. If you have continued problems with the situation, I’d consider counseling.