Reader’s Question

My husband was divorced in May ’05 and we married in November ’06. His ex has continued to call him and ask for directions to places and other “stupid” things that she can find out herself! I wouldn’t have a problem if it was something related to his children who are 18 and 24, but instead the calls she makes are not necessary. She also continues to have the utility bill, phone bill and internet bill in his name. I have asked him to have her take his name off and he feels I’m being “insecure” and I feel he needs to “cut the umbilical cord.” Am I being ridiculous or do I have a warranted feeling about this? Since he and I are married, I would think he’d rather keep me happy and not worry about the way she reacts to his telling her to move on. He thinks I’m making an issue over this and I don’t feel I am. I believe that he’s holding on to something or afraid in one way or another. His children are upset that he has asked her to not call as much…which by the way, he blamed on me instead of standing up to her!! His children have not been close to him since I met him and don’t keep in touch unless they want money. Can you help?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you are experiencing is not uncommon in second marriages. However, it’s the ex that is not cutting the cord completely. Here’s what we typically find:

• You’re completely correct. The ex can find and do everything she calls your husband about…so the calls are not related to her inabililties. Rather, the calls are designed to 1) continue contact with him, 2) irritate you, and 3) provide a mechanism for manipulation (will explain later).
• With the divorce in 2005, the youngest was about 15 at that time. This child would have intensely bonded with the needs of the mother during and after the divorce. Those bonds make the child susceptible to mother’s moods and influence. As you mention, both children have emotionally detached from Dad, especially since your marriage. In a way, his relationship with the children is being used to manipulate your husband. The children are threatening to withdraw further if Dad doesn’t participate in this Irritate-the-new-wife game.
• If your husband fails to cooperate with the calls and continued family accounts in his name, the children will further withdraw from Dad due to pressure from their mother. These games use the relationship with the children as a “hostage”. Do what I say or the hostages are threatened!
• If he tries to stop her calls, change her behavior, etc. — the children are encouraged to be angry and rejecting. He is thus tolerating the calls in the hope of maintaining a relationship with his children.
• The ex’s goal is to make you the bad person in this situation. She’s 1) creating a situation she knows is irritating to you, 2) hopes you will protest, at which time she will act innocent, 3) hopes the conflict will weaken your marriage, 4) will use the children to put pressure on your husband to keep this going, and 5) hopes the pressure will eventually breakup your marriage.

It’s possible that your husband doesn’t understand how this post-divorce game is played. He’s trying to keep the situation peaceful and cooperative — that’s impossible. You and hopefully your husband can develop a strategy to deal with this, however:

• Talk about the situation with him. Most couples try to develop a strategy to deal with the situation, something that works for everyone.
• Don’t ask your husband to immediately cut contacts with the ex — that would produce strong reactions in the children who would be reacting on behalf of their mother. Rather, ask that the behavior be controlled and slowly withdrawn.
• Rather than be upset with her behavior, recognize that she uses this approach because you have the upper hand. Using your position, actively participate in this game rather than protest it. If she calls for directions, you call her back. You send her an email with the hot spots of Myrtle Beach, etc. Be cooperative. Remember, it’s like an obscene phone caller — if she doesn’t get a reaction out of you, then she’s wasted a call. She’ll eventually move on and stop the calls.
• Recognize that the situation is actually about his relationship with his children — your stepchildren. Encourage him to improve those relationships. Try to increase your participation in their contacts with you and your husband. Expect them to be rejecting. If they like you, it will actually make them feel uncomfortable and disloyal to the mother’s goals and schemes. It will take awhile to repair.
• Recognize that your husband is stuck in a tough position — take the calls or further lose his children. You can handle this situation with a marital-team strategy and handle it in a way that doesn’t ruin relationships in the future.

If the situation remains difficult, marriage counseling may be helpful, providing objective opinions and recommendations for this difficult situation.