Lack of Communication in a Relationship
Reader’s Question
Are you able to give me some strategies for this issue, please? I am a registered nurse dating a solicitor (attorney). He is 10 yrs older; I am in my 50s and divorced, living with my two teenage daughters. He lives alone and never married.
Talking is the issue. When we speak on the phone he cuts me off and conversations are lasting sometimes for only 30 seconds. I spend time with him Friday, Saturday and Wednesday evenings. I work Monday to Friday and 1 in every 4-6 weekends. He works Monday to Friday 10am to 11pm, plus shorter times Saturdays and Sundays.
He says he listens to me but rarely makes any comments on my conversation. He says some of my conversation is talking and most is off loading. He says he does not know why I am making such a big thing out of nothing. I explain how important communication is in a relationship. Please advise me how to manage this, as it is very frustrating.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
When we review the schedules and his behavior, I suspect the two of you have developed a scheduled relationship. In a scheduled relationship, the parties see, talk, romance, and share time on a specific schedule. It’s like having a romance that’s every Tuesday and Friday night but during the rest of the week, there is little interaction.
When you call him, you’re probably calling off-schedule and for that reason, he’s cutting the conversation short. His lack of interest in your conversations also tells you that his personal and emotional investment in the relationship may be much smaller than yours. From his standpoint, you may be the girlfriend in his schedule and it’s quite likely that your position won’t change. His behavior is self-centered and even rude. The fact that he doesn’t understand why communication and talking is important to you tells you there are many more things about relationships that he also doesn’t understand.
This relationship is not likely to move beyond the current schedule. At 60+ years old and never married, he has no history of ever forming a relationship beyond dating. He may be incapable and/or uninterested in anything more than the current schedule.
