Reader’s Question

My 18-year-old daugher left home. Since she began high school it has been a struggle to keep her focused on school. She has continuously lied about her grades and her attendance. I have tried to be stern, supportive and to my own detriment I have allowed her to enjoy the privileges alloted to someone with passing grades. Needless to say she did not graduate in May, however she still has the opportunity to make up work and attend a 2nd graduation ceremony in July. Disappointed, we began to look forward to this new opportunity with her promises that she will do it.

We live at home with my husband of 8 years (stepdad). We have a good relationship. I do tend to spoil her. This week while I was at work assuming she was in school, she did not attend and had friends over at our home. I argued with her and told her it would be the last time she defied me. She left home that evening and has attended her day school, but not the night school. She has only been in contact with a few friends and family to bad mouth me and my husband.

My husband and I want to plan for when she returns, with the terms of her return to include counseling. She is generally a good kid, no drugs or alcohol. We just can’t figure out why she won’t focus on school. When she does she gets good grades.

There is a boyfriend recently, however this behavior has been going on prior to the boyfriend. We have not yet met the boy.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’ll need to keep two themes in mind as you develop a strategy for your daughter. First, she’s a good kid — no drugs, no legal offenses, and no alcohol. Second, she’s bright and capable…but having a difficult time for some reason.

It’s very common for high school seniors and/or 18-year-old young adults to have a very difficult transition into adulthood. While most profess an intense desire to leave home, become independent, get a job, enroll in college, etc. — many are totally unprepared for their transition from a high school student to an independent adult. Intelligence and good moral behavior does not equal emotional and social maturity. Some young people move quickly through leaving high school and establishing their independence as a young adult. Some stumble, fall, restart, reconsider, and have several false starts.

Many major universities lose 30% of the Freshman class — they don’t return the next year — due to these same issues. The young adults were intellectually capable — but not emotionally or socially ready.

Part of your return plan will need to recognize her status as an 18 year-old. We do this by using an agreement that acknowledges her “legal age” and the need to negotiate on an adult-to-adult basis. You might offer the home as a homebase, as long as she is taking steps to improve her adult skills such as finish schooling, employment, etc. Suggest that rather than “jump” into adulthood that she gradually slide into adulthood, like getting into a cold pool. Finish high school, then consider community college, part-time employment, etc. She will gradually build the social confidence needed for adulthood. Don’t kid yourself however, being a parent doesn’t end when your child is 18!

She may be having issues related to friends as well. This is where counseling would be helpful. Inviting her friends to the house without permission tells us that impressing her friends was more important than asking permission. Not introducing the new boyfriend may be another sign of emotional and social immaturity.

Your daughter will need help and support as she moves through this difficult yet necessary transition. Many youth are out of the home before you can catch them — others need encouragement, support, and even a push now and then.