Reader’s Question

One week, I went over to visit my fiancé at his mom’s place in Los Angeles to go apartment hunting. As soon as I arrived I greeted his mom right away and she wasn’t wearing anything but a white T-shirt that barely covered her rear. She greeted me and offered me to sit down with her in the garage, and when I took my seat I noticed when she sat down she wasn’t wearing ANY panties. It freaked me out and I immediately told my fiancé. My fiancé told me that he knows his mom only wears that shirt to bed. He admitted that he’s seen her without panties and that he would just try looking the other way. It was very shocking and very disturbing for me. I was even more concerned because my son was there with her like that. I tried talking to my fiancé about it, and he admitted to me that he found it uncomfortable, but he said, “It’s my mom.” He confronted her on the issue the next night and told her when they have company if she could put on a panty especially to keep my son’s innocence, but it was the same thing again.

I just don’t feel comfortable. My fiancé said his mom would wear that same shirt with nothing on underneath when he would come over and paint for her, and while she’s wearing that shirt it’s the time she wants to chit chat with him the most while squatting in the garage having everything exposed. I don’t understand why he’s never confronted her back then if he felt uncomfortable, but all he tells me is that we can just discuss it in therapy. He doesn’t like opening up to me when it’s regarding his mom; he seems to get mad and end the discussion. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to think. I feel as though it is highly inappropriate and very odd that a mother would act that way towards her son or any company she keeps. I’m just dumbfounded by it.

Lately, since my fiancé has moved back in with his mom, she’s been eavesdropping on my private conversations over the phone with my fiancé. I don’t understand why she’s so interested in my life with her son or why she demands so much attention from her son while I’m on the phone with him. I don’t get it. What’s up with his mom?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you suspected, her behavior is extremely bizarre from a psychological standpoint. Still worse, the entire situation is very bizarre and I’ll bet it becomes worse. To consider this from a psychological standpoint, imagine observing in public a person who is wearing a fried egg taped to their forehead. We must then consider how far off the normal thought path his or her thinking must be to justify such behavior and such an appearance in public. In both situations — the fried egg headband and the no-panty outfits — the behavior and appearance reflects a severe deviation from the “normal” range for such things as sexual behavior, sexual appropriateness, respect for self and others, common courtesy, social boundaries, manners, and even personal hygiene. When we find these situations, we also find equally bizarre ideas and behaviors in other areas, some of which you are now encountering. We also find a complete sense of entitlement that allows her to justify her attire…or lack of attire. At a minimum, she is exhibiting severe personality disorder features (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website), but it can be worse…if that’s possible.

As you probably suspect, your boyfriend and his mother have an equally bizarre relationship. Keep in mind that such parental behavior in many countries would be enough to have children removed from the home. The boyfriend’s mother has obviously sexualized their relationship and is showing signs that she is bizarrely connected to his life and lifestyle. His tolerance if not support for her behavior is also a strong indicator that there’s some bizarre aspects in their relationship.

Obviously, when you have very bizarre and inappropriate behavior and attitudes, very few people are going to be your friend. For that reason, the friends and supporters you have are very valuable to you and you don’t want to give them up. For this reason, his mother will view you as a significant threat to her lifestyle and will be not only listening to your conversations but trying everything in her power to ruin your relationship with her son. You’re going to have a fight here.

I think you have a lot of trouble here! This is a very high risk relationship and your boyfriend’s tolerance and support of his mother’s behavior tells you that his attitudes and beliefs have also moved away from the normal range. I suspect this will become more bizarre as time passes. I’d recommend placing the relationship on probation until you find out how bizarre this will become. I’d almost bet a dinner that his mother will suggest that both of you move in with her.

By the way, don’t work on expanding your “tolerance” for alternative attire or sexual expression in the home. Her behavior is not philosophical — it’s just bizarre. Stay uncomfortable…it will help protect you.