Reader’s Question

I am 31 years old and 5 years ago I remembered being sexually abused by my brother-in-law when I was 15. Our relationship was always awkward: I could not really put my finger on it why, but I always felt uncomfortable around him. I cannot say what triggered my resurfacing memories but since that day over the years it’s turned into a kind of obsession.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the details and get very emotional as now I do remember much more about it…especially the feelings I had…shame, guilt, confusion, anger. I just couldn’t keep it inside anymore and a year ago I told everything to my mom and sister. It felt a relief, but I don’t think they believed me. They keep saying it’s absurd to come up with this after 16 years. Since then my relationship with my family got worse. I feel abandoned by them, just like back then…all alone with a terrible secret. I don’t know what to do. Shall I pretend also like nothing happened?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Old memories can be brought to the surface by a variety of triggers such as music, scenes, similar circumstances, comments — just about anything. Hearing a song from your high school years may trigger additional bad memories made at that time…including these memories. This process is related to “Emotional Memory“. As you describe, remembering those experiences create those same feelings again — shame, confusion, guilt, etc.

Our worst memories can also be brought to the surface by depression. When we are depressed, the brain searches our memories for our worst experiences in an effort to torment and mentally torture us. You may have been depressed several years ago, causing your brain to bring that experience to the surface. As obsessions are also common in depression, it may also be possible that you have remained moderately depressed for several years at this point. When we focus on memories that have emotional misery in them, we stay emotionally miserable — as you have discovered.

Some recommendations:

• If you’ve decided to take no further action regarding the incident, then you must also decide to release it from your inside as well. We don’t pretend nothing happened, but we recognize that obsessive thoughts about this situation are harmful to us. You can use strategies I’ve outlined in the Emotional Memory article to deal with the emotional distress in the memory.
• You are not all alone with a terrible secret. You’ve told your family and like most families, they don’t know how to understand the information or what to do. Family events will be uncomfortable as they will not know how you feel or how you might react. If you have decided to move on, you can communicate this to your mother or sister and use a “press release”. You might say something like “I’ve decided to let my childhood remain in my childhood and move on”. You can also prepare a strategy for contacts with the brother-in-law such as being polite but avoiding personal discussions or close physical contact, as that might trigger memories.
• Obtaining counseling would be helpful. You may be depressed, especially if this obsession also produces crying spells, sleep problems, etc. I’d review articles and screening tests on this website related to depression.
• As you’ve discovered, time only heals cuts and scrapes. Time doesn’t heal emotional wounds…but rethinking and reorganzing our attitude does heal. People survive horrible experiences and recover because they rethink their experience and continue their lives. Constantly remembering our past, without rethinking it, causes us to relive the event everyday — keeping us back in our past.