Reader’s Question

How long should I be supportive to a 31-year-old daughter who is in an abusive relationship? In the last 5 years I’ve been there for her, went through my life savings, ran up credit cards to help her, opened up my home to her and lost my privacy. I now stand to lose my home of 30 years. She is not married but keeps going back to him for the last 7 years. It seems the more I show her I’m there the more she puts me through, not to mention I am now a widow.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your daughter is in two abusive relationships — one with her boyfriend and one with you. With her boyfriend, she’s the victim and with you, she’s the abuser. Some general thoughts:

• Your daughter is involved in a relationship she is not willing to change. This on-again, off-again relationship is the way they live. You have provided the support that many parents provide — and it didn’t work.
• It is clear that your daughter is more concerned for her situation than for you. She is totally willing to sacrifice your home, your financial security, your privacy, your life savings, and your future for her selfish goals. This makes your daughter a danger to you. You will need to protect yourself from her. She is not trying to protect you and in fact, places your future in jeopardy without a second thought.
• You’ll need to cut off financial support in all areas. Provide her with a warning about this, informing her that you are now on survival level and are unable to provide any additional financial support. She may react with a temper tantrum, pouting, rejection, etc. Allow her to react — but don’t change your position. Keep in mind, if you suddenly lose everything you have — she won’t be around for support, she’ll just move on and avoid you. This is harsh, but that’s the way it is.
• Provide very limited boundaries for your support. Assure her that your continued support will include 1) a place to stay if needed, 2) a meal if needed, and 3) emotional support. As an example, while many parents can’t financially support their children in this economy, the children can always drop in for a meal and sleep on the couch.
• Remember that loving your daughter won’t change her behavior. Also loving her won’t protect you from her behavior. She may have developed Personality Disorder features that you can’t fix. (See my introduction to personality disordes on this site.) She may blame you for her situation, which is totally incorrect.

Only continue supporting her with a meal, a place to sleep, and kind words. You can’t help her anymore at this point. We would hope that she would recognize the abusiveness of both situations — her boyfriend and her behavior toward you — and take steps to correct it. This may or may not happen.