Reader’s Question

When I was 10 years old my father started fondling me and used to ask me to do the same for him. He did this for 2 years, after which I told my mother. I don’t rememebr why I did not originally tell my mother, but my father told me that my mom would not let him come close to her. When I told my mom she totally went berserk and never comforted me. She somehow wanted to believe that I was responsible for the whole thing. I used to hate it when he used to touch me. I used to skip coming back home when he used to be there. He never missed any opportunity. My mother continued to live with him and so did my sister and me. He was angry all the time and fought with my mom often. My mom almost lost her mind for a couple of years and refused to come out. She believed that there were mafia people behind all this and they had cameras in our house. I tried to tell her it was not so but it was of no use. I thought maybe she will leave him and take care of us. But I realised that I had to shut my mouth and once agin pretend nothing had happened so that all of us could have shelter over our head. I do not know how I lived through those years. I continued to get dreams filled with sex with my father and sometimes with my mom. I still get them once in a month. I feel very very helpless and disgusted. I am married now and do not have any sexual intimacy or feelings for my husband. However I do not feel disgusted when we have sex. My husband sometimes would want me to make the first move, but I would feel sluttish to do so. He has lost interest in havng sex with me and we have sex only when he really wants it. I moved out of the country where my father and mother are living. However I still speak to him now and then for the sake of my mother and sister and financially support my parents.

Why am I so normal in spite of what happened?

Was I really the cause of whatever happened?

What if I lost my mind at a later stage?

Please tell me why my father did what he did and how I should close this out of my mind and have a healthy relationship with my husband.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Why did your father sexually abuse you — because he was a sexual predator and abuser. He abused everyone around him, including your mother. Your father had your mother so intimidated, terrified, and controlled that she felt she couldn’t risk any action that would further place the family in danger.

Your father was verbally, physically and sexually abusive. From a psychology standpoint, your father was likely a “personality disorder” (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website), probably Antisocial Personality. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder are totally self-centered and have little or no concern for the emotional, physical, or medical health of those around them. They abuse, intimidate, control, and manipulate as many people as they can, especially those closest to them. They don’t feel remorse, guilt or accept responsibility for their abusive and even criminal behavior. Your father was at fault — not you. You didn’t do anything to cause your abuse. He abused you because of the way he was, not because of you or your behavior. When we’re swimming near a shark, it will bite us because it’s a shark — not because we are doing anything special.

When we have many years of abuse, we develop thousands of Emotional Memories — bad memories that contain details of abuse and the feelings we had at the time. As we become an adult, many things in our daily routine act as triggers — reminding us of our abusive childhood. Sexual abuse creates significant problems with your sexual self-esteem, your attitudes about sexual behavior, and even with sexual activity. Your childhood sexual abuse has contaiminated your feelings about normal, healthy marital sexual expression, creating the intimacy issues in your marriage.

To improve your situation, first remember that your father was and is the disturbed individual here — not you. And not your husband. You are being haunted and tormented by the Emotional Memories of your abuse and for that reason, I’d seek counseling/therapy to address those memories. You’ll need to remember that you were a child and a victim. You were also not the only victim of his abusive personality, and your mother remains under his control.

I’d also read the questions under “personality disorders”, linked from the sidebar of the page. In those responses, I’ve provided guidelines about how the manage a personality disorder in the family. My article on Emotional Memory will provide some strategies to change and manage your memories of those years.

It may take time, individual counseling and marriage counseling, but you can recover from your history of abuse. Also, you will not lose your mind at a later stage of your life. When we consider the amount of stress and abuse you’ve already survived, you’re actually a very strong personality.