Reader’s Question

I am 55 years old, and I have a 23-year-old son with a “not very pleasant, bordering on evil wife”. He will not take my calls, allow me to see my grandchildren or speak with them. I send gifts with no response, I leave emails with no response, I call with no response as well.

I have done nothing wrong that I am aware of; I beg him to tell me his issues. I love him, I love my grandchildren…so much, the tears are always present.

You hear all the bad things about mother/monster-in-laws, but what about daughters-in-law that alienate young men from the mothers for no reason?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation is more common than you might think. Your daughter-in-law does have a reason — control. It is very possible that your son has married what we call a “personality disorder” (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). Individuals with a personality disorder don’t think like healthy individuals and in fact, they work overtime to control, intimidate, threaten, manipulate, and alienate others. Her reasons for alienating you are totally selfish as she 1) views you as a threat to her ability to control your son and grandchildren, 2) uses the problems between you and her as a reason for withdrawing from the entire family, and 3) emphasizes the fact that other people are intrusive and interfering in their marriage.

I’ve written an article about your situation entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome. It describes strategies the family can use when a member is being held as a voluntary hostage. Keep in mind that your son is cooperating to avoid her threats of 1) divorce, 2) taking the children from him, 3) suicide and self-harm which is often used, and 4) financial and reputation damage. Your son is most likely operating in survival mode at this time, trying to do anything that will decrease her outbursts and manipulations.

I’d also review stories left by readers on the blog posts linked from my paper on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. Many grandparents have been separated from their children and grandchildren by personality disorder in-laws. Over the years, I’ve recognized some strategies that work…and some that don’t work. These strategies are listed in the Love and Stockholm Syndrome article.

This will take patience on your part. You can “hold on loosely” as a strategy and hover overhead like a guardian angel. Remember that your son knows you will always love him. It’s not you he’s afraid of in this situation. Keep sending gifts and cards — even if you receive no reply. It’s a signal to your son and the grandchildren that you are still outside waiting.