Reader’s Question

My 51-year-old mother just went through a divorce a little over a year ago. Just before this happened, I got married to my wonderful husband. My husband and I live in a different country from her and to help out I gave her my apartment to live in rent free. Since my mom’s divorce though, she has changed completely. She lost an extreme amount of weight, started wearing my old clothes, started dating a guy who is younger than me (I just turned 26 years), constantly asks for money, speaks of doing modeling instead of finding a secure job, completely guilt trips her two daughters who live on different continents, and that’s just the start. Background info: my mom was NOTHING like this to begin with, she was the complete opposite. I don’t know this person. She’s depleted my bank accounts (to which she’s co-signed to help me manage my money), ran up extraordinary bills, etc. and just doesn’t give a hoot. I’m tired of bailing her out. I don’t know this woman and need help before I do something I regret… Please help!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A divorce is one of the highest stressors an adult can experience. Divorce can produce some very strong emotional and social reactions ranging from severe and disabling depression to the opposite end of the scale — the “midlife crisis” or Date-O-Mania. Following a divorce, it’s not uncommon for men and women to focus on making a new life — often changing their lifestyle, hair, weight, clothing, and activities. As you describe your mother’s behavior, however, she has clearly gone to extremes. Her reaction may be related to:

• Bipolar Disorder (Manic) or Hypomania: Mania and Hypomania are types of elated mood, with Mania being extreme. Symptoms include excessive energy, hypersexuality, poor judgment, poor impulse control, decreased need for sleep/food, talkativeness, and grandiose ideas (modeling?). Spending sprees and impaired social judgment are common when these episodes occur. This disorder is related to significant changes in brain neurochemistry.
• Medication-Induced Hypomania: Medications change brain chemistry. Your report that she has lost an “extreme amount of weight” may tell us that she has lost that weight with the use of medications — legal or illegal. The use of medications and substances (amphetamines) for rapid weight loss can produce the Hypomanic reaction you are seeing.
• While a case could be made that this is a divorce crisis, midlife crisis, or another reaction to the divorce, her willingness to engage in behaviors that emotionally, socially, and financially damage you and your sister make this unlikely. The fact that her behavior is totally uncharacteristic is also an indication that this behavior is far out of the expected range for her situation.

What can you do?

• Recognize that your mother, for whatever reason, is somewhat dangerous to you at this time. Secure your bank accounts and set limits regarding your support of her behavior. If she is experiencing Mania or Hypomania, she will deplete your finances and ruin your credit without giving a hoot.
• Encourage your mother to seek psychiatric consultation. She will probably be resistive as from her standpoint, she’s got lots of energy, is dating a younger guy, and is going to be a model. She can’t see anything wrong with her situation. Encourage her to seek consultation based on the dangerous things she’s done (spending sprees, poor judgement, etc.) and the physical symptoms you see (severe weight loss, poor sleep, etc.).
• Communicate with your sister and develop a team strategy to deal with Mom/Mum. Both of you need to set similar limits and encourage the same thing.
• If your mother is Manic or Hypomanic, she may crash emotionally and become severely depressed. Do some research and identify mental health professionals in her area that may be of help. Have a list and information prepared for that 3:00 am phone call. Your mother is building a house of cards that may collapse at any time.
• If you or your sister are required to rescue her, include a requirement for treatment as part of the rescue plan. If she comes to live with you, she’ll need to seek treatment. She may crash, then want to live with you briefly and re-energize to begin again. People can become caught in a cycle of hypomania – depressive crash – hypomania again.
• You may want to seek counseling for yourself. You have also experienced the divorce of your parents which is extremely stressful — at any age — then dealing with your mother’s reaction. You may be experiencing depression more than your mother.

Protect yourself and seek support. You are now the adult in the family and may be called upon to make adult decisions regarding your mother. While we don’t like to think about it at your age, children often become the adults when dealing with their parents.