Dating 11 Years, But Boyfriend Still Unsure
Reader’s Question
I am wondering how long is too long to work on a relationship with someone who is unsure of if he feels this will work? I told myself 6 months. Am I being realistic? What is a reasonable time for someone to make a decisive decision to continue on with a former mate?
I have been dating my boyfriend (who is also my son’s father) for 11 years total. We met when I was 17 and now I am 28. We separated for 2 years recently, but still lived together and were still intimate for much of that time. I did see other people and he did know and felt like I cheated on him although we were separated. I was not honest but I do not consider it cheating. What brought us here was 9 years of him making poor decisions and my inability to conmmunicate my hurt properly to him, perfectly timed with a close death in my family, mental illness with my mother and my family support system moving from the east coast to the west. So I began to withdraw, became depressed, and just gave up on everything in my life. Over the 2 years of separation I just didn’t have the energy to focus on the relationship and made some very critical mistakes that led to him withdrawing any desire to pursue a relationship with me.
In May I discovered he had been seeing someone. I was devastated. I had been working to get myself in a better place emotionally and to forgive him so I could get past the anger that was eating me alive. I did however work through that quickly and told him that I did in fact still love him and wanted to make things work. I gave him a time; in all honesty I just couldn’t put my wondering on hold for him to decide if he wanted to date me or her. His suggestion was to date both, and I told him I just could not do that. Ultimately he decided to try to work things out. For the next 2 months he was periodically still in contact with the other person via cellphone, and he had a key to her apartment. Last month he gave her the key back and deleted her number and said things were over.
As recently as two weeks ago, I saw her number and said although I didn’t want to separate I had to because his word not to contact her was violated. We reconciled. I have seen marked improvement, and he called her the next day to say they could no longer contact each other because it was causing too much confusion in his life. As of today things were well, and I explained to him that sometimes I still feel he is unsure of his feelings for this relationship and for me because of his last action. He confirmed that he is in fact still very much unsure, but he doesn’t want to end the relationship either. He does love me, but…I am growing more unsure, frustrated and angry by his “unsureness.”
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
If you’ve been dating for 11 years — he’s not unsure — he’s decided to do nothing. He can use the history of your relationship as a reason to do nothing for the next 11 years while he dates other people, probably avoids child support payments, and keeps you as part of his life. He doesn’t want to end the relationship for his reasons. At the same time, he doesn’t want to make the relationship a marriage — also for his reasons.
At the present time, the current arrangement works for him but not for you. Consider what he is getting out of the relationship — or avoiding by keeping the relationship? How would the situation be different if the relationship ended? Who is supporting whom? Does he pay child support?
You’ve heard the saying “What you see is what you get!” It’s true in this case. He is totally comfortable with the current arrangement and his being unsure allows him to date others as well. He’s also comfortable with continuing this relationship in the future — with no changes.
You’ll need to decide what you want in the future. If you want to make sure this will or won’t work, place the relationship on a six-month probation. During that time, work to make the relationship more solid and committed. If he remains unsure, dates others, etc. then you have strong evidence that nothing will ever happen for this relationship. At that time, you should probably end the relationship and make a formal arrangement for child support, separation of property, etc. While you met him as a teenager, it’s time to make adult decisions. If he is uninterested or unwilling to make the decisions necessary to improve or discontinue the relationship, you’ll need to make those hard decisions to protect yourself and your future. Otherwise another 11 years will pass and he’ll still be unsure.
