Reader’s Question

My husband and I are very good friends with a couple and their kids. My husband practically ‘raised’ the son for 2 years, while the family was recovering from a very bad accident. He spent many hours a day there, and developed a very good relationship with them. We went out as a couple frequently. Then they moved. We continued to stay in touch as much as possible and see them once in a while.

Just recently the husband of the couple passed away suddenly. Of course we went down for support and grieving ourselves. Two weeks later we visited because we were in the area. We had a great time! We took the young son (7) back with us for the week. We had a great time. However, the son asked my husband is he was going to be his ‘daddy’ now. But I think my husband handled it as well as possible, saying that his daddy was in heaven and he would just go on being his ‘Uncle B’. He also was attaching himself to a young man visiting my daughter. My husband made the mom aware of this, so she could bring it up with the psychologist. He thought it might be a “red flag”.

Now we received an e-mail from the mom saying that she doesn’t want any more e-mails or texts from us and that if she needs us, she’ll call us. We don’t understand! Is she saying that the psychologist doesn’t want the son around my husband, so as not to confuse him? We are (I thought) like family. We’ve been told that. Is she blocking all males out of his life? His other uncles? The son calls us Auntie and Uncle. I’m confused. Please help. Is it good to take away another relationship from the son? The daughter is 2 1/2- and doesn’t understand, but we are just starting to build a relationship with her. The mom mentioned that her psychologist said the 3 of them need to just learn how to live with each other. What is that? What does that mean? She can’t have friends and family around? I’m confused.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Psychologists, therapists, and counselors are blamed for a lot of things. I’ll add this situation to the list.

I strongly suspect her action, in detaching from your family and attributing the detachment to the psychologist, is actually her decision. Psychologists recognize the importance of significant adults for children during bereavement. I can’t imagine a professional making such a suggestion. On the other hand, I can see why the mother would make such a decision:

• The sudden death of her husband would be emotionally overwhelming. Death of a spouse is the highest stressor an adult can experience. The stress level during these times is so severe that reducing stress and conflict becomes a major priority. Behavior that you describe is often a stress-reduction technique.
• During bereavement, the grieving spouse and children are bombarded by emotional reminders that the husband and father is no longer present. These emotional triggers and reminders are very distressing. To cope, there is an attempt to detach from situations, people, and relationships that serve as reminders and memory triggers. Her relationship with your family is an intense reminder and trigger of memories associated with her husband and the previous lifestyle of both families. She feels the need for some distance to minimize these emotional reminders.
• The relationship between your husband and the 7-year-old boy is a problem — not for your family, not for the boy, but for the mother. Her son would be normally attracted to and attached to your husband, especially during this difficult time. You and your husband have handled this very well. However, his mother now has a son who constantly mentions both his father and your husband. This is a difficult reminder for the mother — a reminder that she has lost both a spouse and the child’s father. To lower her stress, she has made the decision to detach, hoping that being out of sight will lower her son’s comments.
• You’ve done nothing wrong. However, the mom of the child is now operating in Survival Mode — struggling with severe stressors and pressures. We can expect strange decisions and reactions at this time. Allow her to make those decisions, even if we don’t understand them. Don’t contact her, but through the grapevine (mutual friends, her family, etc.) send a loving message that you will always be her friend and supporter. As her turmoil and bereavement decreases, she may reopen the family relationship.
• Don’t take the situation personally. Don’t be defensive. Don’t blame the psychologist. The traumatic situation is the problem, not you or the past relationship.