Reader’s Question

My son is 33 and my daughter is 31. About once every three months my son calls her and leaves horrible, vulgar messages on her cell phone. He calls her names and tells her how much he hates her. Then he calls me and says he has hated her since the day she came home from the hospital (he was 16 months) and that he wishes she were dead. This is scary and it breaks my heart. She lives 10 hours away and won’t come visit me because she is afraid of him. We can’t have family holidays or any friendly get-togethers, fearing he might find out and react or if we invite him he might snap and go into his rage. He has had some trouble with the law and I know he smokes marijuana but no other drugs. I’m supposed to be relocating closer to my daughter and grandkids soon, but I’m worried he’ll feel more resentment if I do move. I’ve tried to get him to go to counseling but he says he doesn’t need it. I’m beside myself! Is there any hope? I just cry and cry.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your son doesn’t hate your daughter — he hates everyone! From your description, your son probably has an Antisocial Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). Individuals with this type of personality are hostile, aggressive, intimidating, threatening, angry, resentful, bitter, and highly manipulative. They are totally selfish and have no problem making everyone around them miserable — as long as they get what they want. They accept no responsibility for their behavior, blame everyone else for their mistakes, feel entitled to abuse people and steal from them, have problems with the law, don’t pay bills, can’t keep a job or relationship, abuse drugs/alcohol, and try to control those around them with a combination of playing “victim” and verbal and physical intimidation. Your son is controlling the family using his rage and temper tantrums. If we think about it, every holiday and family event centers around him. He also uses his rage to manipulate you locally as well as keeping his sister ten hours away.

So why is he so hateful toward his sister? He sees his sister as a threat to his control over you and those in the immediate family. To maintain his control, he intimidates his sister on a regular basis, which keeps her at a physical distance, about ten hours away. If she were closer, she might influence you and change the current control he has in the community. If you move closer to your daughter, his increased resentment will have nothing to do with his hatred for his sister. It will have everything to do with you moving out of his manipulation and control range. I suspect he plays victim and “poor me” to gain something from you such as financial support, bail money, etc. He will be upset that you and his sister will be closer to compare notes and mutually support each other. Antisocial personalities are abusive by nature and try to keep people separated and detached. It’s easier to control and intimidate people individually rather than control a group of people who stick together. This is the military concept of “divide and conquer”. What can you do?

• As a personality disorder, his behavior will not be changing anytime soon. He is not interested in treatment because everything is going his way. You didn’t make him this way and you can’t fix it.
• Recognize that he doesn’t care that you are miserable with this situation. Antisocial personalities have no concern for the feelings of those around them. This allows them to have rage and temper outbursts at family holiday events — ruining the event for the entire family — without the slightest twinge of guilt. For this reason, you must be concerned about your feelings and protect yourself.
• You can obtain a view of not only his techniques but strategies for separation in an article I’ve written entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships” on this website. You can slowly detach from his abusive control over a short time.
• Anything you do that doesn’t benefit him will increase his resentment. This is Antisocial Personality. He doesn’t care if it makes your life richer, happier, etc. In other words, there will be no reasoning with him about missing your grandchildren, your daughter, moving being a good thing for you, etc.
• Move toward your daughter. It’s an opportunity for you to be happy. Yes, he will probably throw a very dramatic outburst. His goal will be to make you stay…and stay under his intimidation. He may change strategies from intimidation using rages/temper to playing the victim — crying that you’re abandoning him. No matter what strategy he uses…keep moving out. Your happiness is at stake.
• Read other questions from family and friends dealing with personality disorders by selecting “personality disorders” on the sidebar of the page. This is actually a common problem as perhaps 15% of adults have a personality disorder.
• He has probably emotionally exhausted you and produced a depression. Read information on depression and take a few screening tests on this website. If you are depressed, consult with your family physician about the use of an antidepressant. Also consider counseling. Professional treatment will help you gain the emotional strength you’ll need to change your lifestyle.

My recommendations and approach may sound harsh…but not nearly as harsh as his treatment of you, your daughter, and those around him. He has no interest in changing his behavior, so his victims must take steps to protect themselves. If his temper becomes too physically violent, call the police. The most effective way to protect ourselves from Antisocial Personalities is to use a business, matter-of-fact approach that can be supported by local legal authorities. Without this approach, we find ourselves in an endless loop of intimidation, threats, manipulations, playing victim, then intimidating again as they try to control those around them.