Reader’s Question

I dated someone for 5 years. He recently told me that he had not loved me for a long time even though he was still telling me he loved me. We had made plans to move in together among other things. We had trouble in the very beginning of our relationship because I had been abused in my previous relationship and I had years of anger built up inside of me. I took out that anger on him. I should not have and I have had counseling since then. He told me he resented me even though he said he forgave me. I am not that person I was at the beginning of our relationship. He claims that if I had been more loving he could have overlooked what happened. I worked very hard to change myself and get over what I went through. I do not feel as though he cheated on me or anything like that. He works for an oil company and is gone 6 months out of the year. Maybe we have never had a chance to have a good relationship or repair the things that went wrong. I am so distraught and I feel abused all over again. If he had just been honest months ago and told me he did not love me I think the breakup would have been easier for me. I feel as though someone has died and I cannot get past it. I need some advice on how to handle this and move on. We have not talked in 3 weeks and I am sure he likes it that way. He emailed me once and the remarks he made were mean and uncalled for. I know I hurt him in the past but I did work so hard to become a better person. I have never felt so alone and so hurt in my entire life.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In terms of time, this was a partial relationship, six months out of the year. As you suspect, that doesn’t provide time to repair problems or issues. Periods of time away from each other can also allow feelings to diminish, like watering a plant only every other week. From your description, his involvement in the relationship and his affection gradually died, prompting him to end the relationship.

There is an element of unfairness here. It’s normal to ask questions about what happened when a relationship ends. It sounds like you have asked those questions and received comments about your past behavior, earlier episodes of anger, etc. His responses have now made you feel mostly responsible for the end of the relationship. When we consider that the relationship has lasted five years, it’s unlikely that those earlier episodes are responsible. Instead, he probably lost interest and feelings over time, especially considering the part-time nature of the relationship. It’s unfair to leave you with the assumption that your behavior ended the romance. That actually puts the focus on you when he wanted the break-up. As you suspect, he may have trouble being honest about what happened and how he feels.

You will be depressed, upset, and full of questions associated with the end of the relationship. As you mentioned, you have made personal improvements and should continue, perhaps through counseling, to better yourself. This part-time relationship didn’t work, but that doesn’t mean a future full-time relationship won’t work. I would imagine you’ve learned a lot in five years and you’ll take those lessons to the next relationship. You’ve also learned that part-time relationships, where we don’t have frequent contact and feedback from our partner, are very difficult to maintain. It’s also important to note that the normal misery you feel tells us your emotions are working correctly — you’re capable of falling in love and being commited in a relationship — something that’s needed for any relationship to be successful.