Reader’s Question

I have been dating a wonderful man for 2 1/2 years. He treats me better than I have ever had anyone treat me in my life. After we moved in together and things were very serious, I found out that he is married and has two children I never knew about. He promised that he and his wife are not romantically involved. He promised there was nothing else I did not know about him. I then found out that he is 10 years older than he claimed to be. Again, he promised there is nothing at this point that he is keeping from me.

At this point in our relationship my trust for him was fragile, actually non-existent. This really put a strain on our relationship especially since I was up front and honest with him about things in my life. I started thinking that if he lies to me about these things, he probably lies to me about being with other women. He reassured me time and time again by letting me know he was not keeping anything from me any longer.

Then last weekend I find out that in the past he had a DUI which he lied to me about, and also that he never actually received his bachelor’s degree like he claimed this whole time he has. Now I feel he is just plain and simple a liar. He will probably never be honest with me, and I don’t think I can be with someone like that. He probably lies to me about much bigger issues that I have just not found out about. I am young and do not want to “waste” my best years with someone when I feel I deserve an honest man. Please give me your advice. Thank you so much.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your wonderful partner is more than a liar — he’s a con artist. If I have a wallet full of money and I tell you I’m broke — that’s a single lie. If I deceive you and tell you I’m broke every day — that’s being a professional liar. Your partner hasn’t lied to you about single events, he’s lied to you every day and maintained a complex deception over the past two years. He then lies again when you confront him with the truth. If you think about it, he’s lied so much to you that you have a certain acceptance about it, mentioning in your question “he probably lies to me about much bigger issues”. What could be a bigger issue than deceiving you about a marriage and two children, ten years in his age, or faking a college degree?

You’ve fallen in love with a fake lifestyle he’s created for that purpose. He’s “wonderful” because the con artist you’ve lived with isn’t really him. Remember that while he’s lying to you about his marriage and two children — he’s also lying to his wife and two children. He’s also lying to his employer, friends, extended family, etc.

Clinically, this is a personality disorder — probably Narcissistic Personality. These individuals are totally selfish and self-serving. He has no problems lying and deceiving anyone in his environment and does so on a daily basis. He seems wonderful because he’s fake. Disneyland is wonderful but nobody lives there. It’s a fake environment. Snow White isn’t really Snow White. I’d recommend my introduction to personality disorders on this website for additional information.

I’d strongly recommend that you detach from this con artist and return to a normal life. You’ve not wasted your time…you’ve now got an Associate’s Degree in personality disorders with this experience. Sadly, he has no hestitation about hurting you or anyone around him as long as his selfish goals are obtained. He doesn’t feel guilty that he’s lied to you every day for 30 months. In fact, after this is over he’ll quickly move on and select the next target/victim…and still try to contact you, keeping you on “back burner”. I’d recommend reading the paper “Identifying Losers in Relationships” and the comments which readers have left on the blog posts linked from the paper. We’ve received over 700 comments from victims of personality disorders and con artists.

Your life and future are too valuable to waste time with a con artist. Detach, move on, and maintain a policy of “no contact” in the future. As a narcissistic personality, he may continue to contact you for some time, adding more lies in his attempts to manipulate you. To assist in your detachment, I’d follow the guidelines in “Indentifying Losers in Relationships”.