Reader’s Question

I have an extremely controlling sister-in-law, and now my brother does not seem to want to know me. I think this is because after 9 years I have finally put a boundary around what is and is not acceptable, such as my sister-in-law turning up on my doorstep expecting tea and sympathy whenever she feels like it. And I realise now I have been used for years to play with their kids, help at family events, basically be an unpaid help, etc.

When I had my own children, there’s been little interest and they want to use my daughter as a play mate for theirs — whose behaviour by the way is out of control. No one ever says no to the sister-in-law — even her own family all kowtow to her and I don’t think anyone has ever said what they really think about her controlling behaviour. She is aggressive, interrogating, demanding of attention constantly and scathing about anything that is not just like her. Both their behaviours at my recent wedding was simply the last straw. Can you give me any advice as it looks like I’m on the brink of losing a brother!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’ll find your sister-in-law in my introduction to personality disorders article on this website. You are describing a Histrionic Personality — an individual who is highly manipulative, demands to be the center of attention, is very controlling, is verbally abusive, intimidates others, is a “Queen of Drama”, and expects and demands that the universe revolve around her. She will have a tremendous sense of entitlement and will also feel entitled to punish anyone who doesn’t meet her immediate demands. As you describe, when we have a personality disorder in the family, all family events must address her needs and issues. They control those around them with their uncontrolled behavior and they have no guilt or remorse about how they treat others — even children.

Your brother is stuck. Like members of her family, he is trying to avoid verbal and emotional abuse — both for him and the children. It’s not that you’ve lost your brother — he’s just in an emotional prison. I’d recommend reading my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome as well as reading the discussions and comments left by readers on the blog posts linked from that paper. The article offers strategies to maintain contact with your brother while not creating problems for him and the children. Concerned family members must often “Hold on Loosely” and operate like angels hovering overhead. A strong contact with him will prompt retaliation from the wife, something he wants to avoid at all costs.

Personality disorders are all around us, making up about 9 to 15 percent of the adult population. When we have a personality disorder in the family, it’s like having a shark in the family pool. We need to be careful and emphasize safety for all family members. At the same time, we establish boundaries, as you have done, to prevent further abuse and manipulation. You’ll find many similar situations by clicking on the link for questions tagged with ‘personality disorders’ in the sidebar of this page.