Reader’s Question

Is it really domestic violence if there’s no blood? My boyfriend and I have been together about 6 months, and he treats me so badly. He slaps me, pins me to the wall pushes me so hard until I loose my balance and fall. He picks me up for work sometimes; I get off work at 3:30, and once when I walked outside at about 3:38 he yelled at me and said if I say anything he would break my face! He has even kicked a hole in my wall from a jealous rage. The sad part is I love this man. I left him so many times but I keep coming back. I really want this time to be the last! HELP!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Every behavior you mention is part of domestic violence. Each time he pushes, slaps, pins you to the wall, threatens you, or kicks the wall is domestic violence. Any violent physical contact is legally considered an assault and is a crime. He can be arrested in most of those situations, especially when he physically slaps, shoves, or pins you.

Is it really domestic violence if there’s no blood? Absolutely YES. But the situation is worse. There’s no blood yet…but it’s on the way. If the relationship is this violent at six months, he will soon be true to this word and he will break your face…your jaw, your eye orbit, your cheek bones, and/or your arm. The level of anger he directs at the wall will be physically coming in your direction.

It’s not uncommon for victims of domestic violence to return to a violent home. Why? Some of the most common reason for a return are:

• Abusers are also controllers and they have total control of the money, transportation, etc.
• Abusers have usually isolated you from your family and friends.
• Abusers threaten your family and friends with violence if you don’t return.
• Abusers often hold your personal property and pets as a hostage and threaten to burn them if you stay gone.
• Victims often leave very suddenly with no plan, no place to go, no money, etc.

I’ve written an article on Identifying Losers in Relationships that describes how to make an exit plan to leave the situation. Your abusive relationship is not uncommon and you can read over 700 stories about abusers left by readers on the blog posts linked from the Losers article. To escape, you’ll need a secret plan that includes help from your family. If you are puzzled by your feelings for him, I’d recommend my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome, available on this website. That article describes how an abusive relationship can change the feelings in a victim to the point that they support the abuser in an attempt to survive.