Reader’s Question

My daughter was in a serious relationship with someone who I think has Borderline Personality Disorder. (He has the majority of the signs in your article about Identifying Losers in Relationships). He is only 18. She broke up with him, and he tried for 6 months to get her back. He then quickly got a new girlfriend, but then left for the Marines (joined while he was with my daughter saying he had to get away from his dysfunctional parents). Will signs of his BPD be apparent to the military, and will they be able to help him? Or does this disorder manifest itself just during relationships with the opposite sex? I am concerned if he comes back and tries to contact her to tell her he’s changed…do we believe him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Borderline Personality is a Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this site). If he has the majority of the signs listed in my Loser article, a personality disorder is very likely. Personality disorders are pervasive — that is, the signs and behaviors are present in all areas of the individual’s life, including family life, romance, employment, and even military service. The signs of his personality disorder will be apparent in the military.

Will the military be able to help him? Probably not. When significant personality disorder features are detected by military professionals, the individual is typically released or discharged from the military. I’m not sure about the current designation, but many years ago the US military released such individuals with the classification “personality unsuitable for military service”.

Personality disorders are very selfish and highly manipulative. He is likely to contact your daughter when he returns and he will have some long story about 1) the military changed me, 2) I’ve seen the light, 3) I’ve matured now, 4) yada yada yada. In truth, if he had most of the signs listed in my Loser article, his personality will be unchanged. When we see a different “personality” in a Loser, they haven’t been cured — they’re simply using a different approach and strategy to get what they want. Don’t believe him and continue to encourage your daughter to keep her distance and protect herself.