Reader’s Question

I was in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years. When we met, he told me his marriage was over (that lasted 6 months). The first few months I really didn’t pay attention to things I should have. First of all, he was living in a house where there were a few apartments. He had a crappy car and told me it was a friend’s in the house. He did have a low-paying job but it was a job so I didn’t mind. I was just looking for an honest guy who wasn’t materialistic but had good character. I really fell for him. He discussed marriage in the first three months. Red flags were flying but I ignored them.

He started becoming jealous and started accusing me of looking at guys when we were out in public. He called me constantly at work to see if I was talking to guys. His car died (found out later it was the wife’s) so I helped him get a car by putting a loan in my name. He never made one car payment. He had a small judgment causing his paycheck to be garnished so I paid that for him. He went through the motions of going to 2 attorneys to see about the divorce but never followed through. He asked me to put his name on the deed to my home prior to moving in. I did because I thought we were getting married. Then things turned for the worse.

As soon as his name was on the deed, he started fighting with me about the clothes I wore. He would get verbally abusive and break my things. One night he made me get out of bed 1:00 am and put on the clothes I wore to work for inspection. One time, he ripped up a pair of pants. He wanted me to work at home and got me fired from my job with the jealousy. We were out of work 6 months. I think he just wanted to keep an eye on me so he quit his job. He would start fights and leave telling me he was sleeping at his friend’s house to cool off. Things were escalating. During one argument, he grabbed me by the neck.

I found out he had another woman and was staying over at her place twice a week. When I found out about her, I kicked him out. He wanted to keep the car, but I said no. I took it back. He is to sign the deed back over next week. Looking back, he drained all my financial resources. He has seven kids out there from different women and abandoned all but the last two. The 12-year-old son lived with us last year. He took the kid with him to the other woman’s house those 2 nights a week.

I would always ask, where do you go? What did you do last night? He would say I need to stay over at my friend’s a few nights a week to show him I still need the place. My ex was setting the other woman up, planning to leave me after his son finished school. He was still married, living with me plus the other woman. Now he says he is trying to make things right with her. She also has her own home. Do you think he went to her for a free lunch?

What type of personality disorder does he have? Antisocial or sociopath?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The Answer: Antisocial Personality Disorder. An Antisocial Personality is a type of Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). They are the con artists, criminals, abusers, controllers, liars, and manipulators in the adult world. They operate totally selfishly, have no concern for others, and are willing to financially ruin, physically harm, and emotionally damage anyone in their environment to meet their selfish needs. They never accept responsibility for their behavior and blame others for their misbehavior. They have shallow emotions and can offer marriage (typically a lie) one day, and dump the relationship for a “better deal” the next day. No remorse, no guilt, and no hesitation.

As you describe and experienced, an Antisocial Personality goes to extremes to control those around them. They ruin your chances of employment, then make sure you can’t leave the house/apartment. They often try to financially lock others into loans, deeds, and credit cards. Once they have maxed out the credit card, they move on to a new victim, leaving you with the bill.

Most dangerous of all, the Antisocial Personality always tries to keep previous victims on the “back burner” with promises, excuses, and assurances that they’ve changed. If he owes you money, he promises to pay it all back — he’s got some kind of big money deal in the works. They have no real feelings for anyone, so they will call ex-victims while on a honeymoon with their current victim. They are famous for sad stories, blaming their dysfunctional childhood, etc. No matter what story or promise you hear, the result is always the same — you are revictimized.

For more information on these Sharks in the dating pool, read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships, available on this website. We also have a running discussion on “The Loser” that has over 700+ comments from Losers, victims, and families of victims. Get away and keep away from this destroyer and use the guidelines I’ve offered in my Loser article, the most important being “NO CONTACT”. Don’t meet him, take calls, text message, email, etc. He will view each contact as an opportunity to victimize you again. You can successfully detach from this individual, although you may need to develop an “exit plan” as I discuss in my article.