Reader’s Question

Thank you for your time. Your advice is much appreciated. I’ve been struggling with this issue for some time now. My husband and I have been married for over 2 years, and I keep having difficulty accepting that his cousin will always be possessive of him. We met through her (though we never became close friends). She introduced us and then wanted to know more intimate details of our relationship. It didn’t stop there. When she continued to direct us that we needed to move near her once we married, I let her know that we will move wherever we find jobs and wherever we are comfortable. She was not happy with my response. She begged for me to “please don’t take my cousin away from me.” (She would frequently joke that the motive behind introducing us was to get him to move closer.) We stopped talking shortly thereafter, roughly 2 years ago.

I had confronted my husband on the issue at the time and he said that they were never close, they only met a handful of times as children and each was a brief meeting. He was happy with the way I handled it.

She did attend our wedding and wore a white summer dress. Other family members had warned me that she had always been possessive of him, but he was oblivious. In my stupidity, I naturally thought her possessiveness would end because 1) she was married (since he and I married she is now divorced), and 2) she has two very young kids. My husband says he is uncomfortable around her and he knows that I am uncomfortable around her.

We were told that she wouldn’t be at a recent family gathering and she was, and family kept coincidentally leaving us in the same room with her. Over the last two years, the other family members kept telling me how upset she was with me. She is two years older than him and one-year-older than me. When we saw her at this last gathering, she hugged him longer than others, followed us around the party, and when in the same room she kept walking near him (back and forth). I don’t want to be on the defensive and neither does he, but the long hugging was unexpected. What is our best course of action for dealing with her?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Obviously she exhibits a combination of possessiveness and an immature romantic “crush” on your husband. This romantic attraction has likely been present for many years, probably created during their youth. In these situations, the cousin has created an intense “emotional memory” involving your husband. Emotional memories contain both details of an event and the emotions experienced at the time. When these emotional memories are triggered, the same mood experienced in childhood rapidly surfaces, in this case turning the cousin into an infatuated, giggling little girl in the presence of your husband. If we imagine giving an age-rating to her behavior in the presence of your husband, it would probably look like behavior more often seen at age 13 than in an adult. When it comes to Emotional Memory, your current age, number of children, etc. doesn’t matter.

How do we handle such situations?

• Recognize that the cousin continues to have Emotional Memory and related behavior in the presence of your husband. This behavior, while immature and silly, is not a threat to you or your marriage. It’s much more of an irritating or aggravating behavior.
• In her presence, operate as a team with your husband. If you talk with her, talk about how “we” are doing things, going places, etc. Refer to yourself and your husband as a team.
• Develop a strategy to deal with her at family events. Stay together as a pair, don’t venture into an area where she can corner you for personal conversation, etc.
• While she may enjoy the teenage-level giddiness present in the Emotional Memory — redirect her conversation to real life. Ask about her children. Her job. What’s going on in the here and now.
• Don’t be offended by her comments and don’t take them personally.
• Don’t supply her with additional information about your private life. Downgrade her to grocery-store level information — what you might discuss with a neighbor or co-worker upon meeting them at a grocery store. That conversation that goes “We’re doing fine. I’m practicing my tennis and we’re working a lot. That’s about it. What are you and the kids doing?”
• Recognize that if her personal situation is difficult — an ongoing divorce, kids, single parent, etc. — her behavior may actually increase. She may start contacting your husband for support. In these cases, always reply to her contacts as a team — not as a single person. If this happens, call and/or email her on your own, something like “(husband) mentioned that you’re going through some trying times. If we can help, just let us know”. Only do that if you feel like helping by the way.

While this cousin is not a threat, the family has recognized that her behavior is inappropriate toward you and your husband. A consistent and team response usually fades these behaviors away although she will probably always have a teenage girl’s crush on your husband.