Reader’s Question

I am in my early thirties, married, with a 1-year-old daughter. I feel I was raised in a family where the mother and the father always blamed each other for things. I thought that by being married myself, I would get out of their cycle of blame. Not.

A simple incident a couple of days ago brought out the blame cycle again. I came to the USA to visit my PhD student husband, and I brought my daughter with me. I wanted to stay longer in the USA, so I needed to change the return date, which could only be changed from my home country, so it had to be done through my parents.

I gave dad the following priorities: 1. Baby Seat because she will travel on my lap, and I need the extra space. 2. Place me next to a currently empty seat in hopes that it will remain empty (however unlikely). I did not think to tell him that the departure date that I gave him was flexible, and that what matters most is the baby seat. I think subconsciously I figured that since I am a stay home mom, it is really obvious that it does not matter when I return home. It’s not like I have a meeting that day or anything.

He called me saying that he paid the $100 changing fee and placed me in the back, because there are no baby seats on the DAY that I requested, but I have been placed next to an empty seat. He was talking to me, and I was thinking, “OK, damage has already been done.” I stayed calm, and explained to him that this will not work, and that it needed to be changed again. Obviously he was upset, and said “you should have told me your date was flexible”.

What happens later doesn’t matter to me as much as why did he feel the need to “blame” me? When I told him that it is impossible to travel in a non-baby seat for 9 hours with a baby on my lap, he said “I have already paid the changing fee!”

That last bit hurt so much, so very much. I am talking about a mother and a baby, and he’s talking about money wasted. He has a point, but…still…a mother and a child crammed for 9 hours? After the incident I was thinking that at some level I expected him to have checked with me if the reservation is good enough, and THEN pay. But things don’t go that smoothly when two people are in different corners of the world.

My main question is: 1. Why did he not recognize the situation itself as “to blame” and not me?
2. Why was he so insensitive when I explained to him that it was not going to work?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are two interacting factors here — the situation and personality. The situation was somewhat confusing as described — maybe not enough information was provided, questions should have been asked, communication should have been better, etc. While the situation was confusing and flexible, your father’s personality was not. In fact, you’ve discovered that his personality has not changed in these many years.

Individuals who have a pattern of blaming others actually have more maladaptive personality components than simply blaming others. “Blaming Others” is one of several personality traits we find together. Typically found with “Blaming Others” are:

• General selfishness and immaturity,
• A denial of personality responsibility in multiple areas,
• Insensitivity to the needs and concerns of others,
• A sense of entitlement, and
• A dislike for helping others.

Your father hasn’t changed a bit.

When the problem surfaced with the seating, he not only blamed you, but felt entitled not to cooperate in any further changes in the arrangements. From his standpoint, he helped all he was going to help and due to what he saw was your mistake, he felt relieved of any further obligation to help. It’s like someone who agrees to help you build a barn, then leaves after one hour, feeling they’ve helped as they promised.

Why didn’t he realize the situation was the problem? Recognizing the situation was a problem would continue to obligate him to help as, after all, his daughter was in a tough situation. By blaming you for the situation, he makes you obligated for the problem and takes himself off the hook. His view would be “I tried to help but she messed it up!”

Why was he so insensitive? He doesn’t care that much, not just about you or your family, but about anyone in his environment. In his selfishness, his “rights” supersede his obligation to everyone around him. By blaming you, he feels entitled to leave you with a difficult situation, even knowing how uncomfortable it may be. Keep in mind that you didn’t make him this way. These personality features have been present for decades and are likely to surface any time you need him as a parent, grandfather, or even responsible adult. In the future, you’ll need to assign a friend as a “responsible adult” when you’re traveling outside the country.