Reader’s Question

I want to get my best point across to you in hopes that it will help with the best progress toward recovery. First let me start with I’m 23 and have been though a lot in my short life, too much to recall on paper but let me give you a short overview. At 10 years I lost my father to cancer. At 11 I lost my virginity to a man twice my age and had an excessive number of sexual partners thereafter. At 13 was when I started to become a trouble maker in school: I got into fights with teachers and students, and that was my way of fitting in and making friends. I never knew who I was; I hung out with every type of person and took on their persona. I’ve been in two secondary high schools for teens with behavioral problems. At 15 I decided to drop out of school and hang out with friends. During this time I also found out that my biological father was someone other than I thought, which was disastrous to me. I left home and committed burglaries, prostituted myself, was raped, and started smoking crack. I met a man and decided I would be with him. I went home after two weeks to collect my things, and my mother called the police on me, who arrested me because of warrants. I went to a juvenile detention center for 6 months before I was sent to a maximum security prison for girls. I spent a 1 year 3 months there, and I was never the same. When I came out I was 17.

I tried to enter into a regular high school but could not because of my school record, so I returned to the secondary high school. I was doing well until one day someone said something smart and I got into a fight with them and lost in front of everyone. Out of embarrassment I didn’t return to school. As time went on I became more socially inhibited. That was my childhood.

As an adult I became serious about my life and making it better. I became a nurse and moved out after a fight with my mother. Homeless, but working nights, I stayed in hotels for 2 weeks until I got into an apartment. I met a man whom I fell in love with; I wanted to help him because he was in hard times also and I let him move in with me. To cut a long story short, he was very verbally abusive. I couldn’t see it then. He later told me he was bipolar. I became pregnant and lost my job at 7 months. He was not working. He said he felt pressured to provide for us and went out and committed robbery, leaving me with $60 and a baby coming in two days. I lost everything because I could not look for work — my apartment, my car, etc. I ended up living back with my mom.

I’m now completely shutting out everything and and everyone. I hardly talk and have ruined the relationship with my family. I just feel like nothing. I don’t stand up for myself. I’m too nice, avoid conflict, and it’s like I reverted back to being a child. I would have committed suicide but my little girl needs me. My prior attempts include drinking bleach and antifreeze, and overdosing on antidepressants pills. After doing this I want to try to help myself for her and for me. I hope you have understanding of what I’m trying to describe and that we can come up with an answer or progress to one.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we have a situation in which all areas of our life are severely damaged, we must stick with some very basic strategies. Some of those are, starting with the most important first:

• STABILIZE IN PLACE: In the middle of a tornado or hurricane, the most effective strategy is to shelter in place — hunker down and make your stand where you are. Take steps to protect yourself; in your case make truces with family, and make sure you and your daughter have the basics.
• SECURE SUPPORT: Enrol in community assistance programs, secure income if possible, and research options for housing, income, and medical/psychiatric care.
• SECURE YOUR CAREER: While you’ve lost jobs, you didn’t mention losing your license as a nurse. Do everything you can to maintain your nursing license, continue your continuing education, and renew your license.
• SECURE MEDICAL SUPPORT AND TREATMENT: Make contact with a family physician or enrol in a medical clinic. That physician can be a link to multiple community services and can provide medications such as an antidepressant if needed.
• SECURE MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT: Seek mental health treatment in the community. Many public agencies offer free or “sliding-scale” services. If you are in a large city, check with the psychiatry or psychology departments of the universities, many of which have counseling offices.
• KEEP DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE: Your tolerance of dysfunctional situations and people is too high. Adding Losers, Abusers, and Dysfunctional adults to your life keeps you unstable. Tighten up your criteria for allowing people near you and your life.
• MAKE SHORT-RANGE GOALS: Make some obtainable short-range goals and work toward them. Any person or aspect of your life that is not consistent with those goals — drop ‘em. Focus on you and your daughter as you move toward your goals.
• MAKE LONG-TERM GOALS: This might include employment, independent apartment, etc. Anything that isn’t along those lines you can’t use.

You’re in a deep hole here. It will take some strong action to climb your way out so you must be very goal-directed and driven. Like many people with multiple issues, you’ve got the sense that your “nerves” or emotions are destroyed. I’ve written an article that might be helpful, entitled “Bad Nerves”…it’s available on my website at www.drjoecarver.com. Stabilize where you are, obtain support, determine goals, and start moving up and out. You’ve got the foundation needed for a great life and career. Don’t let anything distract or knock you off course.