Reader’s Question

I have been dating a man for 2 years. He had been divorced for 3 years when we began dating, but had previously been married for 20 years. During his marriage he had an affair, but his wife did not find this out for two years. After she found out, they continued to live together for another year, but slept in separate rooms. All evidence suggests that she was seeing another man during this time, but my boyfriend won’t admit to this. (She was gone 3-4 evenings a week, and would stay out until 2 or 3 a.m.) She eventually asked him to move out. When he refused, she moved out. At this time she began openly dating her dance instructor. He was devastated, and wanted to move to another state. She told him that she did not want him to move, because she didn’t want to lose him from her life. He stayed and began dating other people. Although he dated other women, he would visit his ex (and the dog) on a regular basis. They would also go out to eat weekly, shopping together, etc. I’m not sure if her boyfriend knew of her relationship with her ex or not. Each woman he dated had a problem with his ex, and he would eventually break up with them, but it seemed that he kept up friendships with them also.

When we began dating he told me his history, but stated that he wanted to move on. He smothered me with attention, and promised me that he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, 4 months after we began dating he abruptly changed. I was confused over his sudden change in behavior. I finally checked his email and found that he had been emailing and visiting his ex. In the emails she told him that she felt like she had been “cast aside” because she hadn’t heard from him in two weeks. It was at that time that he began visiting her again on a weekly basis. She would tell him that her family missed him, the dog missed him, etc. and ask him to visit them also. She will email him asking him to meet her in other towns for supper or concerts. She will also send schedules of her nieces’ soccer matches and ask him to attend. I have asked if he can take me along, but he says that would make his ex and himself uncomfortable. He has told me he feels tremendous guilt because he feels like he broke up his marriage. He says he doesn’t want to get back with his ex, but doesn’t want to lose her from his life. He says I shouldn’t be upset because it is only a friendship and doesn’t interfere with our relationship. However, he has admitted that when they talk, she doesn’t like him to mention my name, nor will she ask about me. She also doesn’t talk about her boyfriend. It’s almost as if they pretend I don’t exist when they talk. This has hurt me tremendously. I have recently broken up with him, not because I want to, but because it has hurt
me too much to be treated in this way. Am I right to be hurt? Is it normal for someone to act this way after a divorce? Do you think the main problem is her or him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In my articles on this website that address relationships with personality disorders and “Losers”, I often describe how manipulative and controlling individuals maintain ex-spouses and ex-sweethearts on “back burner”. Even though the controller/manipulator has moved on and may even have an ongoing romance, they continue to maintain contact with ex’s for a variety of reasons, including financial support, a romantic back-up should the current romance not work out, a place to stay, etc. They often use a variety of incentives and deceptions to encourage the ex to remain on “back burner” including:

• guilt,
• children,
• financial obligations,
• fantasies about getting back together,
• promises that the “old flame” is still burning,
• apologies,
• ties in the extended family, and
• sexual favors.

And yes, I’ve seen pets used as well, even to the point that the family dog is held hostage unless the victim continues to play the game.

You were correct to move on. Your ex-boyfriend appears glued to the back burner. Sadly, the controller/manipulator in these cases has no concern for your situation or the ex-partner. Keeping someone on “back burner” is totally selfish and self-serving — emotionally and socially damaging the victim and placing their life at a standstill while the manipulator continues to engage in other relationships. Her manipulations are totally for her benefit — it only seems like the dog is involved.

You are also correct to be emotionally hurt by this situation. From your description, your boyfriend tried to slowly break away. His ex-spouse, noticing the impending detachment, increased her manipulative efforts to make sure he didn’t break away completely. Those efforts seemed to work. You will be experiencing the normal reaction to a relationship that didn’t work out.

The ex-wife and your ex-boyfriend are responsible for this situation. If we think about it, the ex-wife is currently controlling two separate relationships, both for her direct benefit. Your ex-boyfriend is responsible for participating in these manipulations. Is this normal following a divorce? It’s not healthy, but it does occur. I’ve worked with some marriages where ex’s are manipulated by using the children. Some ex-husbands are frequently called to perform handyman chores for the ex or to attend parent meetings. Some ex-wives, when they find a new healthy partner, find themselves suddenly visited by the ex-husband who is now concerned about the welfare of the children. The key theme here is “intrusive” — the ex intruding into the current relationship, not to repair or rekindle the old marriage, but in a purposeful attempt to destroy and ruin the new relationship of their ex-partner.

Once you’re out of the picture, your ex-boyfriend will be returned to “back burner” with only minimal contact from his ex-wife…just as before. Here’s where it becomes weird. At that time, your ex-boyfriend may recontact you with the same assurances that began your relationship — that he’s now ready to move on. If you agree, you run the risk of finding yourself on “back burner”.