Reader’s Question

I was in a very abusive relationship for 8 years. I have been single for almost 4 years now, with a couple of short-lived relationships in between. I found that I was happier single than with someone, just to be with someone.

I decided recently that I was ready to find a man to date steadily, so I called a man I had met a year earlier. He was very nice and had most of the qualities I thought I was looking for, but he has a 3-year-old daughter. He is 47 and I am 46. A year ago I just didn’t want to deal with a young child. I contacted him and we started dating. His children loved me, but immediately some red flags started popping up.

His 18-year-old daughter has lived with her grandparents and boyfriends for the last few years, and his son lived with his mother. He has his 3-year-old every other week full time. I noticed how he would dote on the youngest and say things like “who’s my number one girl” or “you are my whole life” in front of his other children. I have 3 myself and each one although teenagers are special and equal in my eyes. His daughter was a dropout with no job, who drank every night and smoked pot nonstop. I seemed to connect with her and convinced her to go back to school, which she did.

He wanted us to be a couple and started talking about remodelling my house (he lives in a low income housing, while I have a 4 bedroom home). I was happy and things seemed alright, but he asked me not to put photos of him on “Facebook” (we had attended a wedding together). He also never changed his status from single. Other strange things happened like him insisting I not come by his house until after a certain time and being very adamant about it.

Next came his stories of violence. He said he had broken his hand a year ago by hitting a wall instead of his teenage daughter. Then he bragged about being in the local paper for beating a guy almost to death for breaking into his vehicle. He fractured his skull and broke his jaw and teeth and continued to beat him. Then he would talk about work (he works in an office setting). He told me how he was reprimanded a couple of times for different things. Every time it was due to some “bitch” at work and he spat the word out. His ex wife was also referred to in the same way. Only his 3-year-old’s mother is spared this and she is only 25 herself (another red flag). Others saw him as a quiet, reserved gentleman, but I saw differently.

My question is am I right to have ended this relationship, or am I overreacting? I really don’t want to be single forever.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think you’re correct in detaching from this relationship. The red flags were flying in this romance. In dating, it’s important to identify inconsistencies. A good example is discussing remodeling your home yet demanding that you not drop by his house during certain times. Remodeling your home is one of those future-oriented discussions — yet you’re not allowed to drop by. The violence is a major red flag including:

• his reports of violence against others,
• his violent/angry attitude toward women, and
• his continuing report of employment difficulties.

As your situation suggests, it’s best to detach from relationships as soon as red flags start waving. Most Losers and Personality Disorders can create a “honeymoon period” for several months, during which time they are on “good behavior”. Gradually their true personality surfaces in the form of red flags that warn us of upcoming issues.

While you don’t want to be single forever; you also don’t want to be controlled, manipulated, and/or abused forever. I think you made the right move by moving on.