Reader’s Question

My partner and I met a few years ago when he was separated. He was working abroad and I was living in my home country. We both have had families in the past. I have a teenage daughter, but her father died in a car accident when I was pregnant. My partner has two grown up kids and has now been separated for 5 years. We fell in love and moved together to his home country. I left my pretty good life behind and made a huge decision — I sold a small business I owned, and we have been living together for 2.5 years now.

We decided to buy a house on mortgage but as I had no credit history in this country we had no choice except to put it in his name only. Soon after we started to live together, I realised he was still financially supporting his ex, and the amount he pays for her support is nearly 70% of his wage. Being now 5 years apart they do not speak on the phone and they do not meet. His argument was his ex is a pensioner (she is 60, and we have a 17 year age difference) and cannot find a job… I agreed to it for some time thinking everything in life takes time.

We have had quite few arguments over finances and his divorce, he has promised me a few times to get divorced but never made a single step towards it. I had many questions: what shall I do because my life was in a way broken — my job was gone, reputation damaged, financially it would take time to set everything back to normal and more importantly, after 1.5 years my daughter started to settle in. Besides, she is at an important age for her future education. I decided to give him a longer time and to wait for some more time.

But then something horrible and unexpected happened. A year ago my partner was diagnosed with cancer and less than a year later it recurred. He now has a terminal illness, had a huge operation, and is starting chemo. I love him to bits and of course I am supporting him in every possible way. We do not know any prognosis, but the way it is developing is so scary.

I am frightened to think about the future. I cannot force him to divorce when he is fighting for his life, but my psychological fear is that I have been widowed before. I am afraid and terrified and do not know what to do…

It is horrible to think about his legacy in a situation like this but I am frightened. Can his wife come and take away everything we had together, as nothing is in my name? This would mean I am in middle age with a broken heart and left with nothing. I am panicking and confused because I do really love him so much and we have a fantastic relationship together. I am close to a nervous breakdown.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From a legal standpoint, there are three people in your relationship: your partner, his wife, and you — unfortunately, in that order. While I’m not an attorney or legal expert, in most countries his wife still retains her legal rights and would be first in line to inherit his assets/pension.

While you may not feel you can “force” him to divorce at this point, you can ask him to protect you. Some recommendations:

• Seek the advice of an attorney regarding your legal rights. Each country has different laws and you’ll need to know what legal options are available to you.
• Discuss protecting your involvement and investment in the relationship. While he probably won’t divorce his wife — if he hasn’t divorced in five years, he’s probably not going to divorce for unknown reasons — you can discuss moving some mutual assets such as the house, automobile, etc. into your name or into joint-ownership.
• He may be able to provide you some protection through a legal will, although this would require the involvement of an attorney.
• With advice from an attorney, you may be able to document your investment in the assets of the relationship. If you provided the down payment for the home, for example, an attorney may be able to create a legal document that protects that financial investment.

As you describe, your partner has remained very invested in his wife. Although separated, he has continued to support her financially and legally. He is protecting her at great expense to both of you. You have a right to discuss your protection. If he is unwilling to protect you and your investment in the relationship, you will be forced to protect yourself — maybe legally. Don’t hesitate to discuss these issues with him, despite his medical issues. Individuals with his medical/health situation are painfully aware of these social and legal issues. You won’t be discussing anything he hasn’t already thought about. Lastly, begin your discussions immediately.