Reader’s Question

I have a very close friend that even says he regards me as a brother, but recently we’ve been falling out a lot. I tend to do a lot of favors for him, such as simple ones like lending him money, to stuff like going back into town late at night to lend him bus fare, staying in college till 8pm with him (even though I don’t go there) and just generally taking him to where he needs to go.

However I think it’s the first and third things I mentioned that are causing us the problems. I went back into to town to give him bus fare, which I had no problem with, but after receiving the bus fare he decided he’d rather go off with a stranger than come with me and wait till my bus came. I saw this as him saying “thanks for the money, now I’ve got what I want from you so **** off”. Do you think this is wrong of me to think? To make him feel bad for what he did I made up the story that I lost my chain because I came to help him.

The other incident involved my taking him to a club where he insisted he wouldn’t be too long and that I should wait for him. But after an hour of waiting in the cold, I told him to hurry up after not hearing from him in this time. When he stayed, I quite frankly told him that freezing to death wasn’t worth being his friend for. He claimed he was very upset and saddened by this.

Weeks passed since this incident, and even though we have laughed and joked since then, I’ve never been able to really forgive him for these two things, and we’ve been falling out quite often over the smallest things. He has stood me up and left me waiting before, but it’s these incidents which made me think how little he values me as a friend.

We talked quite frankly about it and he accused me of always wanting a fight and that I’m always stressed. What really did enrage me was the fact that his attitude is that he’s never asked me to do any of that stuff and I’ve gone to a lot of effort to help, but this remark really annoyed me so I told him I wanted to fight him.

He thinks that I have a problem with anger, which is probably true because I am prone to snap at the smallest thing and I do sometimes look to create an argument between us, but the reason for this is I don’t think he appreciates me as a friend. Do you think I’m totally in the wrong or is he somewhat accountable for what has been happening with us?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

We know how people feel based on 1) their comments/promises and 2) their behavior. When a promise or a comment matches 100% with their behavior toward us, we have an honest person. With your friend, you are describing a wide gap between his comments (you’re like a brother) and his insensitive and manipulative behavior. When receiving mixed information — always give more credit to his behavior!

Based on your description, your friend is more than insensitive and disrespectful to you — he’s using you for money, transportation, favors, and errands. Like other individuals who are selfish and immature, he then blames you for the problems created by his insensitivity, lack of consideration, and lack of respect. It’s also clear that while you view him as a very close and “best friend” — he has a reduced rating for your friendship, allowing him to use and manipulate you and place you at a lower priority than his personal entertainment and socializing. This is an uneven relationship — with you providing most of the effort and your friend providing excuses for why he treats you poorly.

I’d recommend recognizing that he doesn’t value your friendship at a level worthy of all your effort. I would reduce his friendship level to “social friend” and develop other friendships that are more equal. When you drop his friendship rating, he will complain and protest as he still needs someone to loan him money, bring him bus fare, wait in the cold for him, etc. Just remind him that friendships change over time and this relationship has been changing for many months. Keep in mind that his behavior is also dangerous to you. If you’re having problems with anger, his disrespect will keep your resentment close to the surface. That’s not good for you. It’s like trying to control your alcohol use while having a best friend that’s a bartender.

When you mention his college enrolment, I suspect he’s moving into the college social scene and will soon detach even more as the months pass. Recognizing that friendships come and go during the early adult years will allow you to let this relationship fade and give you permission to make additional friends, perhaps another best friend. In my own experience, good friends from high school years are a totally different group than my good friends from my college years. Only one remained in both groups, and he’s rated as a “best friend”.