Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We’ve always had a long distance relationship, except for a short three month span over the summer where we lived in the same city but not in the same house. It seems that when he calls me every day I just seem to feel angry. I’m usually in a good mood, but every time I hear from him I get pissy. What could be causing this?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The feelings associated with being “pissy” might include resentment, bitterness, aggravation, anger, and frustration. With those feelings, we have an urge to lash out, be sarcastic, complain, and pick a verbal fight. Why would we feel that way?

I suspect these are very real feelings. I also suspect they are related to the obvious gap between how you view the relationship and the true, real nature of the relationship. For example:

• You describe him as your boyfriend, yet you rarely see him and engage in no physical warmth, touch, cuddling, etc. that maintains the affection in a relationship.
• You describe that you’ve been together for three years…but you haven’t “been together”. This is a long distance relationship with almost nothing in the way of togetherness.
• At this point in your life, you are generally happy as you describe. Happy people typically want more happiness in their life…not less. Each call with your boyfriend reminds you that the romance in your life is very limited: it’s a relationship that is not moving or going anywhere…for three years.
• After three years and the relationship remains at this level — a call a day — the romance has reached a level where little additional improvement can be expected. What you see is what you’ll be getting.

Relationships that are not nourished are like plants that are not watered…they wither and die on the vine. I suspect that you are emotionally leaving this relationship or tired of the limitations of a long-distance romance. Your resentment about the relationship, in an otherwise happy life, produces the sense of being “pissy”.

I’d recommend seeing the relationship for what it is…a good friendship. Remember that he’s also not making changes to move from a long-distance to a closer relationship. Somebody needs to say what this is…a phone relationship between good friends…give each other your freedom…and move on from a romance standpoint. If this doesn’t happen, you’ll likely become more “pissy” and pick fights until there’s a very uncomfortable breakup. The breakup misery can be somewhat avoided if you both agree to accept the limitations of the relationship, continue your phone relationship, yet both move on in romance. I think you deserve more than a phone-boyfriend and I’d bet you’re starting to recognize that as well.