Reader’s Question

I have been seeing this guy for 5 years now. We had a lot of problems with his mother at the start. He is very close to his mother and would always place her before me or the relationship — or at least that’s how I feel. I’m not sure if I am being too selfish. I am writing because I am in a total state of confusion and cannot think logically now.

He was in a clingy relationship when we first met. After going out with me, I then realised he was still seeing his ex behind my back. This I discovered twice over a period of one year before he finally put his past behind him and moved forward with me.

Then we went through a lot of communication, patching up and healing. This took me about a year or more. On the fourth year of our relationship, I discovered he was seeing another girl. I’m not sure if you need to know the reasons but briefly, my boyfriend and I work together. We did fight a lot about office matters and about another partner who is a close friend of mine. He said he was tired of the fights and that made him stray. He terminated the relationship with this other girl immediately and begged for my forgiveness.

He appeared to have changed since then, but recently I discovered that he is planning to leave the business behind my back. I discovered he had discussed this with his mother and the rest of his family members, all except me. For clarity sake, we are in business together. Does this constitute betrayal? Is it right of me to link relationship and work together? Please help. Thanks.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Rather than link the relationship and work together, we look for themes that are consistent in both areas. The themes present in this relationship are not very positive. For example:

• Your boyfriend has a running theme of conducting his own life in secret or behind your back. Over the past five years he has maintained two additional relationships and is now making business plans while acting as though nothing is wrong in the relationship. Obviously, he does not feel the need to inform or include you in his decisions or activities.
• After five years this relationship remains at the dating level. That’s not good and probably tells us that this will always be a dating relationship. There’s even some reason to believe he may be detaching, at first in the business.
• I have the sense that he is not as invested in the relationship as you, a situation that allows him to consider other romantic options and changes in the business. As you mention, he openly discusses his plans with his family, but not with you — another bad sign.
• He also exhibits some behaviors I discuss in my article entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships” on this website. He not only has a sense of entitlement for his behaviors, but he denies personal responsibility and blames you for his fourth-year additional relationship. When confronted, he begs for forgiveness…or is he really just trying to calm the situation so you can work together without more fighting and turmoil?

Is this betrayal? He actually has a pattern of betrayal and secretiveness. It would seem that his behavior is now moving from the personal relationship to the business relationship. I would recommend that you prepare to protect yourself from a business standpoint. It looks as though both romantic and business relationships have not been successful and his five-year theme is to conduct his personal agenda without involving you. You may want to confront him about the business departure in an attempt to conduct some business/legal negotiations rather than wait for his decision and behavior to surprise you as he has done in the past. As you discuss “business”, keep your discussion very legal and practical and not influenced by his promises. He may promise a continuing romance outside the business relationship in an effort to gain an advantage in the business negotiations related to his departure. Focus on protecting yourself in the business and consult with an attorney if needed. He has already shown the ability to totally disregard your feelings and this insensitivity may increase as leaves the business. His history tells us that he has no difficulty breaking promises.