Reader’s Question

I am obsessed with fixing an old friend. I have known him for many years, since before high school even started. We dated briefly but maintained a friendship that grew very strong over time. I have since moved away, back into the area, and I have married. In this time he has had a child, began to abuse drugs, lost his driver’s license repeatedly and cannot hold a steady job. My husband does not like the relationship that I had with him and feels that it is toxic and abusive of my good nature. About three years ago, my husband asked me to cut all ties with him completely. I find myself thinking about him daily, wondering what he needs and if he is okay. I dream about him at night and many small things throughout the day remind me of our friendship. I want him to “fix” his life so badly that I feel by my simply being a part of it he will do better. I find myself fighting the urge to contact him, but I don’t know what I’ll say if he answers the telephone! I did spend some time with him about one year ago after we ran into each other at a coffee shop. He admitted to thinking of me constantly and even mistaking strangers for me in a crowd. I did not let him know that I felt the same. Should I? I tried to say “Goodbye” to him and he refused to believe this was best but conceded anyway. It was very emotional; goodbye didn’t work! My mother is an addict as well, sharing many of the same issues with him. Does this have anything to do with my situation? Please help!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is a very dangerous situation for you. While you report being obsessed with this individual — in truth you don’t know him. His behavior suggests both drug abuse/addiction and a “personality disorder” — two conditions that will be very damaging to you and your family. Your fantasies about the friendship, fixing him, etc. are based on a very limited relationship — a brief relationship in the past, a few contacts, and a brief meeting. That other 98% of this individual abuses drugs, can’t hold a job or driver’s license, is irresponsible, and lives by manipulating others in his environment. I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website. From his standpoint, that meeting at the coffee shop was an opportunity to manipulate you with his charm.

Does your mother’s addiction play a part in this situation? Absolutely! You have been involved in your mother’s addiction for many years and have watched her life’s difficulties, losses, failures, and bizarre behaviors. That involvement in your mother’s addiction has accidently given you a high tolerance for behaviors and situations that would be “red flags” to anyone else. Recognizing similar behaviors in your friend, you now find yourself wanting to fix him…just like you want to fix your mother. When this happens, we totally ignore and even make excuses for dangerous, irresponsible, and even criminal behavior. Your husband is viewing the relationship objectively and recognizes the danger.

You can’t fix this individual, any more than you can fix your mother’s addiction process. His situation has awakened those long-standing hopes of helping your mother, creating the obsession. If you become more involved in his dysfunctional life, your life, marriage, and family may be damaged. Individuals with a Personality Disorder con, manipulate, and use those around them.

I would recommending remaining detached from his life and issues. I’d also seek professional counseling to help understand the emotional issues that have surfaced in this situation.

Personality disorders are con artists, and now that he knows you are interested, he will likely contact you again. That contact will be for his selfish and manipulative purpose — not out of an old friendship. Recognize that he doesn’t care about you or your family…or the past relationship. If a total stranger appeared at your door and said “Hi, I engage in criminal behavior, am a drug abuser/addict, don’t work, don’t support my child, live by manipulating people around me, and have a criminal record — can I stay at your house for a couple of months?” You wouldn’t try to understand his situation or make excuses for his behavior — you’d want to keep him out of your home and protect your family. This is the same situation…only you’ve known him in the past.