Reader’s Question

This question is about a friend who is a guy… We met over the net, and he seems to have gone through a bad childhood where he was sexually assaulted. Since then, this incident has not cleared out of his mind and he gets sexually aggravated very often to the point that he resorts to watching porn a lot and ends up doing other things.

It seems that when he tries not to, he goes through bad dreams full of the incident, and it happens in bed. He seems to be going through a very tough state and finds it hard to be happy or to concentrate on life, although he studies in a very nice engineering college. His dream was to join the military, which he couldn’t as his eyes are weak.

I tried to help him out, but now he seems to have fallen in love with me. I don’t love him, but I want him to be cured of this problem. How can I help?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s a sign of a good person that you want to help him out. However, I believe from your sentence structure and phrasing (corrected for publication) that you may be under age. When talking with people over the Internet — in any form such as email, text messaging, etc. — we must constantly protect ourselves. From your description, he has moved your conversation into sexual areas including descriptions of his sexual interests and behavior — now suggesting that he has fallen in love with you. I think you have appropriately understood that you don’t love him but still want to help him.

In your situation, there are two separate problems. First is providing help to him. Some ways you can do that:

• Suggest that his problems can be helped by a professional counselor or mental health person. As a college student, he can easily and quickly go to the student counseling center or health clinic for help.
• If he continues to talk about sexual issues, remind him that you are not trained to help in areas of sexual abuse and ask that he stop those conversations.
• If he tells you that you are the only person in the world he can talk to about sexual matters and you’re the only person who can help him — and then ignores your wishes and continues to talk about sexual issues — then he’s likely a sexual predator. That’s a major problem!

The second problem is protecting yourself. Some ways to do that:

• Understand that he doesn’t love you — he doesn’t really know you. If he says he’s in love with you then he’s likely to be emotionally unstable, a con artist, or someone who exaggerates their feelings. In all situations, it’s not a good sign.
• Don’t give out personal information of any kind. Don’t agree to meet him or increase the types of contact you have with him.
• If he changes his way of writing to you such as 1) increasing sexual content, 2) demanding photos or meetings, 3) hinting that he may harm himself if you don’t keep up the conversation — which is a common approach for sexual predators, or 4) saying things that make you feel very uncomfortable — discuss the situation with a trusted adult or parent. While that may be embarrassing, it’s less uncomfortable than finding yourself stalked by a sexual predator. You can also talk to a school or mental health professional about the situation.
• Detach and stop the communication with this man if what I’m saying is true.

I can tell that you’re a good person and would like to help people, including this man. I sense this relationship is moving into a dangerous area. If he truly has mental health issues, professionals are available to provide help — and he knows that…