Reader’s Question

My boyfriend of 8 months and I have a very strong relationship. However, he finished a course of steroids around 5 months back and while he suffered no side effects, now he seems to have lost motivation for going to work, family, me, the gym, etc. He says he has no sex drive and can’t even be bothered to get out of bed in a morning. He said he loves me so much and doesn’t want to break up but thinks he will push me away as he is not very affectionate with me.

Do you think the steroids are coming back to haunt him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your description, I doubt the use of steroids five months ago is creating the current problem. You are describing signs in your boyfriend that are commonly associated with depression — including chronic fatigue, loss of motivation, sleep problems, loss of sexual interest, social withdrawal, etc. A sudden surfacing of depression is an unlikely side effect of a medication discontinued five months ago.

It’s possible that your boyfriend is experiencing a depression associated with stress in his life. If this is true, he will also have problems with his mood, appetite, and concentration. This can be a serious concern if he is unable to go to work, enjoy his family and continue his relationships with others. Ask him to take a few of the depression tests on this website. He may require professional mental health intervention.

There is another possibility. Your relationship has been going strong for the past eight months by your description. As a romance moves up the steps in a relationship, some individuals reach a level where they have difficulty. They may find themselves unable or unwilling to move to the next level. When this happens, they may be uncomfortable discussing the situation with their partner and as a result, often seem to fade away in their affection, energy, commitment, and behavior.

At this time, it’s difficult to say what is happening. Your boyfriend may be developing a depression or he may be slowly fading away and detaching from the relationship. What can you do?

• Bring your observations about his motivation, mood, possible depression, and behavior to his attention. If he has no explanation, ask that he see a mental health professional due to the problems depression may cause with his job, life, interests, and relationships.
• Support him if he decides to seek consultation or treatment. Offer to accompany him if needed.
• If he describes uncomfortable feelings about the relationship, encourage him to be honest with you. If he is slowly fading away from the relationship, it’s better to know now than to continue for many months in a relationship that will eventually die of neglect and lack of interest.
• If he denies depression or an interest in ending the relationship — and won’t seek intervention or treatment — yet continues to fade away, I’d put the relationship on a probation period (perhaps 3 months). During that time, work to fix issues in the relationship. If his no-affection behaviors continue, you should consider moving on in your life. He may not want the responsibility for any decisions needed in this situation and for that reason, you’ll need to protect yourself.